The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and FantasiesZangwill, Israel
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The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and Fantasies
Zangwill, Israel
Humorous stories; Jewish fiction; Jews -- England -- Fiction; London (England) -- Fiction
She grinned and vanished. Bob jumped up and was about to wish off
the stockings of the first man he met, when a horrible thought struck
him. The man had nice clothes and looked rich, but what proof was
there he had stockings on? Bob really could not afford to risk wasting
his wish. He walked about and looked at all the people--the men with
their long trousers, the women with their trailing skirts; and the
more he walked, the more grew his doubt and his agony. A terrible
scepticism of humanity seized him. They looked very prim and demure
without, these men and women, with their varnished boots and their
satin gowns, but what if they were all hypocrites, walking about
without stockings! Night came on. Half distracted by distrust of his
kind, he wandered on to the docks, and there to his joy he saw people
coming off a steamer by a narrow plank. As they walked the ladies
lifted up their skirts so as not to tumble over them, and he caught
several glimpses of dainty stockings. At last he selected a lady with
very broad stockings, that looked as if they would hold lots of Mr.
Claus's presents, and wished. Instantly he felt very funny about the
feet, and the lady wobbled about so in her big boots that she
overbalanced herself and fell into the water and was drowned.
Bob ran back to his doorstep, and when it was dark slipped off his
stockings carefully and hung them up on the knocker. And--sure
enough!--in the morning they were fall of fine cigars and Spanish
lace. Bob sold the lace for a penny, but he kept the cigars and smoked
the first with his penn'uth of Christmas plum-duff.
_Moral_:--England expects every man to pay his duty.
_A Rose of the Ghetto._
One day it occurred to Leibel that he ought to get married. He went to
Sugarman the Shadchan forthwith.
"I have the very thing for you," said the great marriage-broker.
"Is she pretty?" asked Leibel.
"Her father has a boot and shoe warehouse," replied Sugarman
enthusiastically.
"Then there ought to be a dowry with her," said Leibel eagerly.
"Certainly a dowry! A fine man like you!"
"How much do you think it would be?"
"Of course it is not a large warehouse; but then you could get your
boots at trade price, and your wife's, perhaps, for the cost of the
leather."
"When could I see her?"
"I will arrange for you to call next Sabbath afternoon."
"You won't charge me more than a sovereign?"
"Not a _groschen_ more! Such a pious maiden! I'm sure you will be
happy. She has so much way-of-the-country [breeding]. And, of course,
five per cent on the dowry?"
"H'm! Well, I don't mind!" "Perhaps they won't give a dowry," he
thought, with a consolatory sense of outwitting the Shadchan.
On the Saturday Leibel went to see the damsel, and on the Sunday he
went to see Sugarman the Shadchan.
"But your maiden squints!" he cried resentfully.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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