The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and FantasiesZangwill, Israel
General
The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and Fantasies
Zangwill, Israel
Humorous stories; Jewish fiction; Jews -- England -- Fiction; London (England) -- Fiction
The broken-nosed man was an accident. Anticipating his value as a
beautiful false clue, Dorking laughed uproariously at the sight of
him, and readily agreed to buy a French poodle.
The Queen's Triplets, a Nursery Tale for the old.
[Illustration: The Queen's Triplets, a Nursery Tale for the old]
Once upon a time there was a Queen who unexpectedly gave birth to
three Princes. They were all so exactly alike that after a moment or
two it was impossible to remember which was the eldest or which was
the youngest. Any two of them, sort them how you pleased, were always
twins. They all cried in the same key and with the same comic
grimaces. In short, there was not a hair's-breadth of difference
between them--not that they had a hair's-breadth between them, for,
like most babies, they were prematurely bald.
The King was very much put out. He did not mind the expense of keeping
three Heir Apparents, for that fell on the country, and was defrayed
by an impost called "The Queen's Tax." But it was the consecrated
custom of the kingdom that the crown should pass over to the eldest
son, and the absence of accurate knowledge upon this point was
perplexing. A triumvirate was out of the question; the multiplication
of monarchs would be vexation to the people, and the rule of three
would drive them mad.
The Queen was just as annoyed, though on different grounds. She felt
it hard enough to be the one mother in the realm who could not get the
Queen's bounty, without having to suffer the King's reproaches. Her
heart was broken, and she died soon after of laryngitis.
To distinguish the triplets (when it was too late) they were always
dressed one in green, one in blue, and one in black, the colours of
the national standard, and naturally got to be popularly known by the
sobriquets of the Green Prince, the Blue Prince, and the Black Prince.
Every year they got older and older till at last they became young
men. And every year the King got older and older till at last he
became an old man, and the fear crept into his heart that he might be
restored to his wife and leave the kingdom embroiled in civil feud
unless he settled straightway who should be the heir. But, being
human, notwithstanding his court laureates, he put off the
disagreeable duty from day to day, and might have died without an
heir, if the envoys from Paphlagonia had not aroused him to the
necessity of a decision. For they announced that the Princess of
Paphlagonia, being suddenly orphaned, would be sent to him in the
twelfth moon that she might marry his eldest son as covenanted by
ancient treaty. This was the last straw. "But I don't know who is my
eldest son!" yelled the King, who had a vast respect for covenants and
the Constitution.
In great perturbation he repaired to a famous Oracle, at that time
worked by a priestess with her hair let down her back. The King asked
her a plain question: "Which is my eldest son?"
After foaming at the mouth like an open champagne bottle, she
replied:--
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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