England -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction; Humorous stories
‘In course of time, however, the thing got ground, the experiment was
made, and they lighted up Pall Mall. Tom’s uncle went to see it. I’ve
heard that he fell off his ladder fourteen times that night, from
weakness, and that he would certainly have gone on falling till he killed
himself, if his last tumble hadn’t been into a wheelbarrow which was
going his way, and humanely took him home. “I foresee in this,” says
Tom’s uncle faintly, and taking to his bed as he spoke—“I foresee in
this,” he says, “the breaking up of our profession. There’s no more
going the rounds to trim by daylight, no more dribbling down of the oil
on the hats and bonnets of ladies and gentlemen when one feels in
spirits. Any low fellow can light a gas-lamp. And it’s all up.” In
this state of mind, he petitioned the government for—I want a word again,
gentlemen—what do you call that which they give to people when it’s found
out, at last, that they’ve never been of any use, and have been paid too
much for doing nothing?’
‘Compensation?’ suggested the vice.
‘That’s it,’ said the chairman. ‘Compensation. They didn’t give it him,
though, and then he got very fond of his country all at once, and went
about saying that gas was a death-blow to his native land, and that it
was a plot of the radicals to ruin the country and destroy the oil and
cotton trade for ever, and that the whales would go and kill themselves
privately, out of sheer spite and vexation at not being caught. At last
he got right-down cracked; called his tobacco-pipe a gas-pipe; thought
his tears were lamp-oil; and went on with all manner of nonsense of that
sort, till one night he hung himself on a lamp-iron in Saint Martin’s
Lane, and there was an end of _him_.
‘Tom loved him, gentlemen, but he survived it. He shed a tear over his
grave, got very drunk, spoke a funeral oration that night in the
watch-house, and was fined five shillings for it, in the morning. Some
men are none the worse for this sort of thing. Tom was one of ’em. He
went that very afternoon on a new beat: as clear in his head, and as free
from fever as Father Mathew himself.
‘Tom’s new beat, gentlemen, was—I can’t exactly say where, for that he’d
never tell; but I know it was in a quiet part of town, where there were
some queer old houses. I have always had it in my head that it must have
been somewhere near Canonbury Tower in Islington, but that’s a matter of
opinion. Wherever it was, he went upon it, with a bran-new ladder, a
white hat, a brown holland jacket and trousers, a blue neck-kerchief, and
a sprig of full-blown double wall-flower in his button-hole. Tom was
always genteel in his appearance, and I have heard from the best judges,
that if he had left his ladder at home that afternoon, you might have
took him for a lord.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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