He arose and dressed. It was half-past two o’clock. He knew that this
was to be the first night in all his life when he could not sleep. He
was shocked and sobered by the tremendous import of such an event in
the development of his character. He had never been swept off his feet
before. He knew now that before the sun rose he would fight with the
powers and princes of the air for the mastery of life.
He left his room and walked out on the road to the Springs over which he
had gone so many times in childhood. The moon was obscured by fleeting
clouds, and the air had the sharp touch of autumn in its breath. He
walked slowly past the darkened silent houses and felt his brain begin
to cool in the sweet air.
The last note he had received from her weeks ago was the brief one
announcing the new break in the poor little correspondence she had
promised him. The last paragraph of that note now took on a sinister
meaning. He recalled it word by word:
“I feel like I can not trifle with you in this way again. It is
humiliating to me and to you. I can see no light in our future. I
release you from any tie I may have imposed on your life. I feel I
have fallen short of what you deserve, but I am so situated between my
mother’s failing health and my father’s will, and my love for them both,
I can not help it. I will love you always, but you are free.”
Was not this a kindly and final breaking of their pledge to one another?
Yet she had not returned the little medal he had given her with that
exchange of eternal love and faith. Could she keep this and really mean
to break with him finally? He could not believe it.
His whole life had been dominated by this dream of an ideal love. For it
he had denied himself the indulgences that his college mates and young
associates had taken as a matter of course. He had never touched wine.
He had never smoked. He had never learned the difference between a queen
and jack in cards. He had kept away from women. He had given his body
and soul to the service of his Ideal, and bent every energy to the
development of his mind that he might grasp with more power its
sweetness and beauty when realised.
Did it pay? The Flesh was shrieking this question now into the face of
the Spirit?
He had met the One Woman his soul had desired above all others. There
could be no mistake about that. And now she was failing him when he had
laid at her feet his life. It made him sick to recall how utter had been
his surrender.
Why should he longer deny the flesh, when the soul’s dream failed the
test of pain and struggle?
Was it possible that he had been a fool and was missing the full
expression of life, which is both flesh and spirit?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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