You cannot imagine, Clarinda (I like the idea of Arcadian names in a
commerce of this kind), how much store I have set by the hopes of your
future friendship. I do not know if you have a just idea of my
character, but I wish you to see me as _I am_. I am, as most people of
my trade are, a strange Will-o'-Wisp being: the victim, too frequently,
of much imprudence and many follies. My great constituent elements are
_pride_ and _passion_. The first I have endeavoured to humanise into
integrity and honour; the last makes me a devotee to the warmest degree
of enthusiasm, in love, religion, or friendship--either of them, or all
together, as I happen to be inspired. 'Tis true, I never saw you but
once; but how much acquaintance did I form with you in that once? Do not
think I flatter you, or have a design upon you, Clarinda; I have too
much pride for the one, and too little cold contrivance for the other;
but of all God's creatures I ever could approach in the beaten way of my
acquaintance, you struck me with the deepest, the strongest, the most
permanent impression. I say the most permanent, because I know myself
well, and how far I can promise either on my prepossessions or powers.
Why are you unhappy? And why are so many of our fellow-creatures,
unworthy to belong to the same species with you, blest with all they can
wish? You have a hand all benevolent to give-why were you denied the
pleasure? You have a heart formed--gloriously formed--for all the most
refined luxuries of love:-why was that heart ever wrung? O Clarinda!
shall we not meet in a state, some yet unknown state of being, where the
lavish hand of plenty shall minister to the highest wish of benevolence;
and where the chill north-wind of prudence shall never blow over the
flowery fields of enjoyment? If we do not, man was made in vain! I
deserved most of the unhappy hours that have lingered over my head; they
were the wages of my labour: but what unprovoked demon, malignant as
hell, stole upon the confidence of unmistrusting busy Fate, and dashed
your cup of life with undeserved sorrow?
Let me know how long your stay will be out of town; I shall count the
hours till you inform me of your return. Cursed _etiquette_ forbids your
seeing me just now; and so soon as I can walk I must bid Edinburgh
adieu. Lord! why was I born to see misery which I cannot relieve, and to
meet with friends whom I cannot enjoy? I look back with the pang of
unavailing avarice on my loss in not knowing you sooner: all last
winter, these three months past, what luxury of intercourse have I not
lost! Perhaps, though,'twas better for my peace. You see I am either
above, or incapable of dissimulation. I believe it is want of that
particular genius. I despise design, because I want either coolness or
wisdom to be capable of it. I am interrupted. Adieu! my dear Clarinda!
SYLVANDER.
* * * *
VI.
_Thursday, Jan_. 3, 1788.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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