Through all this tide of affection, one wonders whether S. J.-B. in any
way realized the very genuine apprehension her friend felt about
returning to the atmosphere of contention. The probability is that she
did not realize it at all, or rather that she looked upon it as the
expression of a transient mood caused by physical weakness. No doubt she
made a generous resolve that “everything should be made easy for Octa”
when she returned; but she did not realize how great was the need for
resolve. She never saw her own personality from the outside; and of
course hers was not the only “temperament” in the house. No member of
the family could have been described as a mere cabbage.
We all know how friction increases when the machinery is out of gear:
differences of opinion grew: Mr. and Mrs. Jex-Blake protested against
the imprudence of accepting a banker’s reference only, in the case of a
foreigner who was in terms for the rooms, and for once their daughter
upheld their view with tenacity. Finally,—though this not till October—
the state of strain became so great that Octavia was summoned home.
One can sympathize profoundly with her in the difficult situation she
was called upon to face. She knew by this time what the faults were on
both sides, knew in particular that S. J.-B. was not a placid person;
began to guess perhaps that explosions of temper were as essential to
that generous nature as the thunderstorm is to a stretch of summer days.
Meanwhile everyone was counting on her to solve the difficulty with a
wave of her wand: and here was she, never very robust, weary with a long
journey, called away from a congenial holiday to the intimate
association with a thousand and one petty cares in addition to the
special crisis that had summoned her home.
The extracts given above are a mere gleaning from many unpublished
letters which bear witness to her devoted attachment to S. J.-B., but
although her sympathy with her own mother was perhaps less fervent at
this time than it afterwards became—she had a strong sense of filial
affection and duty. Moreover she had her work in the world to do—
invaluable work we know it proved—and she felt that she could only do it
in an atmosphere of peace and quiet.
Assuredly it was not an easy situation to face. Looking back upon the
whole story after more than half-a-century, one cannot but wish that she
had simply _compelled_ S. J.-B. to realize the truth,—that she found
herself unable to live and do her work unless she could have the peace
that her soul loved, that—much as she had profited up to a certain point
by the stimulating friendship of one so unlike herself—the time had come
when she found that friendship too stimulating under present conditions.
Surely—one fancies—some arrangement might have been arrived at by which
so mutually beneficial a friendship might have been continued.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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