"A certain tailor in Mansfield, Ohio, was very stylish in dress and airy in manner. Passing a storekeeper's door one day, the latter puffed himself up and emitted a long blow, expressive of the inflation to oozing-point of the conceited tailor, who indignantly turned and said: 'I will teach you to blow when I am passing!' to which the storekeeper replied: 'And I'll teach you not to pass when I am blowing!'" "Very good!" returned the hearer. "That is very like a story _I_ heard of a man driving about the country in an open buggy, caught at night by a pouring rain. Passing a farmhouse, a man, apparently struggling with the effects of whisky, thrust his head out of a window, and shouted loudly: "'Hello!' "The traveler stopped for all of his hurry for shelter and asked what was wanted. "'Nothing of you!' was the blunt reply. "'Well, what in the infernals are you shouting 'Hello' for when people are passing?' angrily asked the traveler. "'Well, what in the infernals are you passing for when people are shouting hello?'" The rival story-tellers parted "at evens." * * * * * THE ONLY DISCREDIT. A backhanded compliment of the acutest nature is credited to Lincoln as a lawyer and gentleman. A Major Hill accused him of maligning Mrs. Hill, upon which Lincoln denied the accusation and apologized with "whitewash" which blacked the bystander: "I entertain the highest regard for Mrs. Hill, and the only thing I know to her discredit is that she is Major Hill's wife!" * * * * * NO RE-LIE-ANCE OF THEM! Mrs. Secretary Welles, more susceptible about press attacks on her idol--and everybody in Washington officialdom's idol--the President, called attention to fresh quips and innuendoes. "Pshaw! let pass; the papers are not always reliable. That is to say, Mrs. Welles," interposed the object of the missiles, "they lie, and then they _re-lie_!" * * * * * NO VICES--FEW VIRTUES. Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and had complimented him on having no vices--such as drinking or smoking. "That is a doubtful compliment," said the host. "I recollect being once outside a coach in Illinois, and a man sitting beside me offered me a. cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing, smoked for some time, and then grunted out: "'It's my experience that folks who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'" (Mrs. General Lander--Miss Jean Davenport, of stage life, the original of Dickens' "Miss Crummies"--must have heard this in the presidential circle, for she would say: "If a man has no petty vices, he has great ones.") A later version ascribes the reproof to a brother Kentuckian, also a stage companion, variation sufficient to prove the happening. * * * * * THE APPLES OF HIS EYE.