“We are lost!” the Captain shouted, as he staggered down the stairs. Putting three chips on the red, he spun the wheel to starboard. Round and round in the clutches of the maelstrom spun the good ship Lithia. “Whee!” cried Hennessy Martel, “this is like old times. First good whirl my head’s had since the Lambs’ Club gambol.” ⁂ 2.56 P. M.—The Lithia seems hopelessly lost. The passengers, with blanched faces, are swapping farewells and keepsakes. ⁂ 2.58 P. M.—Gottlieb Kirschwasser, of Milwaukee, lost his head, (the one he came aboard with), and, screaming, “Heute rot, Morgen tot! Auf wiedersehen!” hurled himself overboard. ⁂ 3 P.M.—Saved! The Stock Exchange bell struck three, and the maelstrom knocked off for the day. The Lithia’s passengers joyfully returned to one another the keepsakes and farewells, and Kirschwasser was fished out of the drink with a boat-hook and put in the boiler-room to dry. ⁂ 4 P. M.—We have left Wall Street, and are bowling along toward White Rock Point, and kicking up an awful dust. ⁂ The drouth has become intolerable, and the sufferings of the passengers are increasing hourly. The deck-planks are curling up, and the oakum is oozing from the seams. ⁂ The barometer exploded with a loud pop, and Hennessy Martel, wild-eyed, ran up the main hatch, crying, “Is that George Kessler opening wine?” “No such luck,” gurgled Tom Ginn, who was spraying his throat with Blisterine. ⁂ Old Medford, the Water Wagon veteran, says he doesn’t remember a voyage attended by so many disasters. “We must get rid of the Jonah,” said he. ⁂ 4.44 P. M.—The Captain made a neat little speech from the bridge, and presented to each passenger a dry-point picture of the good ship Lithia. Most of them were flung overboard. ⁂ After supper the Captain, a most considerate man, gave a smoker, in order to take the minds of the passengers off their fearful thirst. A Keith circuit top-liner, who has a whole page and his picture in “Who’s Who on the Water Wagon,” gave an imitation of an actor refusing a drink. The audience overlooked the screaming absurdity of the plot in their admiration for the artistic performance. ⁂ Professor Argus, the mind wizard, offered to read the minds of all the audience at one crack. Challenged to perform this astounding feat, the Professor smiled and said, “You are all thinking that it is almost time for a long cold highball.” Crackling shouts of admiration came from the parched throats of the audience, and the protest, “Fake! Fake! Somebody must have told you!” ⁂ Harvey Steele, a floor-walker in a wholesale anchor house, was the next entertainer. He gave a realistic imitation of a crooked barkeep playing on an upright cash register. When he finished the audience declared there was nothing in it. ⁂