“That isn’t very comforting, is it?” she asked with the least tinge
of irony. She seemed more mature than he had thought her before, and
she was purposely making conversation difficult. In a few minutes his
father and Mrs. Craighill would return and he must make the most of
his time. His tone was lower as he began again, on a new tack, and she
listened with reluctant attention.
“When I met you I was well started to the bad and I had every intention
of keeping on. I was going to do a particular thing and it was vile--it
was the worst. Why is it that you are standing in the way of it? Oh,
I know you don’t understand--if you did you wouldn’t let me speak to
you; but it’s because you _don’t_ understand--it’s because you couldn’t
understand, that it’s so strange that you are blocking me. And not only
that, but here you are in this house--this house that was my mother’s,
and you bring her back to me as you sit there--just where she used to
sit. The sight of you makes all these later years of my life hideous
to me: I can’t do the thing I meant to--I see how foul it was; and I’m
saying this to you now because I’m afraid of losing you--I’m afraid of
your going away where you can’t help me any more.”
She had been obliged to read much into his strange appeal; it was
as though he turned the leaves of a book swiftly, disclosing only
half-pages, with type blurred and indecipherable. She looked at him
wonderingly; there was a cry in his last words that touched her. It had
been easy the day before to simulate feeling in his assault upon Mrs.
Craighill’s emotions at Rosedale but he had no wish to deceive this
girl. Her eyes forbade it; and it was not so long ago that the sharp
lash of her scorn had struck him in the face: “_I don’t care for your
acquaintance, Mr. Wayne Craighill._” She was saying now:
“I am glad if I have ever helped you, though I don’t in the least
understand how that could be. It is not for me to help anyone. No one
who isn’t strong can help another; we must be sure of ourselves first,
and I am weak and I have made sad mistakes; I have done harm and caused
heartache. And more than that, we belong to different worlds, you and
I. I have tried to say this to you before, but we must understand it
now. Our meetings have certainly been strange, but as I told you, I’m
not superstitious. Very likely we shall never meet again, and you will
go on your way just as though you never had seen me, and I will go
about my business--and so----”
“But if you knew I was going to the bad, and you could save me and I
asked you to help, would you feel the same way about it? Maybe the
answer is that I’m not worth saving!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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