Of the three evils among names for my book, therefore, I leave you to determine whether I have chosen the greatest or least. The writing of it came about in this way. In a conversation concerning modern marriage, the unwisdom people display in choice, and the complicated affair it has come to be from a pastoral beginning, I said lightly, "I shall write a book upon this subject some fine day, and I shall call it 'The Love Affairs of an Old Maid,' because popular prejudice decrees that the love affairs of an old maid necessarily are those of other people." No sooner had the name suggested in broad jest taken form in my mind than straightway every thought I possessed crystallized around it, and I found myself impelled by a malevolent Fate to begin it. It became a fixed intention on a Sunday morning in church during a most excellent sermon, the text and substance of which I have forgotten. Doubtless more of real worth and benefit to mankind was pent up in that sermon than four books of my own writing could accomplish. But, with the delightful candor of John Kendrick Bangs, I explain my lapse of memory thus-- "I dote on Milton and on Robert Burns; I love old Marryat--his tales of pelf; I live on Byron; but my heart most yearns Towards those sweet things that I've penned myself." So the book has been written. The existence of the Old Maid often has been a precarious one; she has been surrounded by danger, once narrowly escaping cremation. But my humanity towards dumb brutes saved her. I might have sacrificed a woman, but I could not kill a cat. So she lives, unconsciously owing her life to her cat. Thus she comes to you, bearing her friends in her heart. I should scarcely dare ask you to welcome her, did I not suspect that her friends are yours. You have your Flossy and your Charlie Hardy without doubt. Pray Heaven you have a Rachel to outweigh them. CHICAGO, _March, 1893_. CONTENTS CHAPTER PAGE 1. I INTRODUCE ME TO MYSELF 1 2. I COME INTO MY KINGDOM 8 3. MATRIMONY IN HARNESS 18 4. WOMEN AS LOVERS 30 5. THE HEART OF A COQUETTE 51 6. THE LONELY CHILDHOOD OF A CLEVER CHILD 65 7. A STUDY IN HUMAN GEESE 78 8. A GAME OF HEARTS 91 9. THE MADONNA OF THE QUIET MIND 120 10. THE PATHOS OF FAITH 137 11. THE HAZARD OF A HUMAN DIE 156 12. IN WHICH I WILLINGLY TURN MY FACE WESTWARD 174 THE LOVE AFFAIRS OF ON OLD MAID * * * I I INTRODUCE ME TO MYSELF