The Magistrate: A Farce in Three ActsPinero, Arthur Wing
General
The Magistrate: A Farce in Three Acts
Pinero, Arthur Wing
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
[_Looking round the room sentimentally._] Twenty years ago! Confound
'em, they've painted it.
VALE.
My people have eight shelves in the Catacombs at Kensal Green.
LUKYN.
Nonsense, man, nonsense. You're a little low. Waiter, take our coats.
VALE.
Don't check me, Lukyn. My shelf is four from the bottom.
LUKYN.
You'll forget the number of your shelf before you're half way through
your oysters.
VALE.
[_Shaking his head._] An oyster merely reminds me of my own particular
shell.
[_ISIDORE begins to remove VALE'S coat._
LUKYN.
Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
VALE.
Don't, Lukyn, don't. [_In an undertone to LUKYN._] It's very good of
you, but, by Jove, my heart is broken. [_To ISIDORE._] Mind my flower,
waiter, confound you.
[_He adjusts flower in his button-hole._
ISIDORE.
You have ordered supper, sir?
LUKYN.
Yes, on the back of my note to Mr. Blond. Serve it at once.
ISIDORE.
I beg your pardon, sir, at once.
[_He goes out._
LUKYN.
So, you've been badly treated by a woman, eh, Vale?
VALE.
Shockingly. Between man and man, a Miss Verrinder--Charlotte.
[_Turning away._] Excuse me, Lukyn.
[_Produces a folded silk handkerchief, shakes it out, and gently blows
his nose._
LUKYN.
[_Lighting a cigarette._] Certainly--certainly--does you great credit.
Pretty woman?
VALE.
Oh, lovely! A most magnificent set of teeth. All real, as far as I can
ascertain.
LUKYN.
No?
VALE.
Fact.
LUKYN.
Great loss;--have a cigarette.
VALE.
[_Taking case from LUKYN._] Parascho's?
LUKYN.
Yes. Was she--full grown?
VALE.
[_Lighting his cigarette._] Just perfection. She rides eight-stone
fifteen, and I have lost her, Lukyn. Beautiful tobacco.
LUKYN.
What finished it?
VALE.
She gave a man a pair of worked slippers three days after our
engagement.
LUKYN.
No?
VALE.
Fact. You remember Bristow--Gordon Bristow?
LUKYN.
Perfectly. Best fellow in the world.
VALE.
He wears them.
LUKYN.
Villain! Will you begin with a light wine, or go right on to the
champagne?
VALE.
By Jove, it's broken my heart, old fellow. I'll go right on to the
champagne, please. Lukyn, I shall make you my executor.
LUKYN.
Pooh! You'll outlive me! Why don't they bring the supper? My heart has
been broken like yours. It was broken first in Ireland in '55. It was
broken again in London in '61, but in 1870 it was smashed in Calcutta,
by a married lady that time.
VALE.
A married lady?
LUKYN.
Yes, my late wife. Talk about broken hearts, my boy, when you've won
your lady, not when you've lost her. [_Enter ISIDORE with a tray of
supper things._] The supper. [_To VALE._] Hungry?
VALE.
[_Mournfully._] Very.
_Enter BLOND, with an envelope._
BLOND.
Colonel Lukyn.
LUKYN.
Ah, Blond, how are you? Not a day older. What have you got there?
BLOND.
[_Quietly to LUKYN in an undertone._] Two ladies, Colonel, downstairs
in a cab, must see you for a few minutes alone.
LUKYN.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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