The Magistrate: A Farce in Three ActsPinero, Arthur Wing
General
The Magistrate: A Farce in Three Acts
Pinero, Arthur Wing
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
Very. This bread is beautiful.
[_CIS is heard singing the chorus of a comic song boisterously._
AGATHA POSKET.
Don't you recognise that voice?
CHARLOTTE.
[_Munching._] The only voice I recognise is the voice of hunger.
AGATHA POSKET.
I am overwrought, I suppose.
[_LUKYN, with his head drooping, fetches the dish of oysters from the
sideboard._
VALE.
[_Behind the curtains._] He has taken the oysters. I've seen him do
it.
LUKYN.
The oysters.
[_LUKYN sinks into his chair at the table and leans his head upon his
hand; the two women look at each other._
CHARLOTTE.
[_To AGATHA POSKET._] Anything wrong?
AGATHA POSKET.
Sunstroke--bad case!
CHARLOTTE.
Oh--poor fellow. [_She gently lifts the corner of the dish, sniffs,
then replaces cover._] No plates.
AGATHA POSKET.
Ask for them.
CHARLOTTE.
You ask.
AGATHA POSKET.
You're hungry.
CHARLOTTE.
You're married. Comes better from you.
VALE.
[_Behind curtains._] This silence is terrible.
AGATHA POSKET.
[_To LUKYN._] Ahem! Ahem!
LUKYN.
[_Looking up suddenly._] Eh?
AGATHA POSKET.
There are no plates.
LUKYN.
No plates? No plates? It's my fault. Pardon me. Where are the plates?
[_VALE, still invisible, stretches out his hand through the curtain,
takes up the plates and presents them to LUKYN, who recoils._
VALE.
[_In a whisper._] Here are the plates. Look sharp, Lukyn.
LUKYN.
Vale! safe and sound! [_He takes the plates, then grasps VALE'S
extended hand._] Bless you, old fellow. I'm myself again. [_Going
gaily to the table with the plates._] My dear ladies, I blush--I
positively blush--I am the worst host in the world.
VALE.
[_To himself._] By Jove, that's true.
AGATHA POSKET.
Not at all--not at all.
LUKYN.
[_Helping the ladies._] I'll make amends, by George! You may have
noticed I've been confoundedly out of sorts. That's my temperament--
now up, now down. I've just taken a turn, ha, ha! Oysters.
[_Handing plate to AGATHA POSKET._
AGATHA POSKET.
Thank you.
LUKYN.
Ah! I've passed many a happy hour in this room. The present is not the
least happy.
CHARLOTTE.
[_Trying to attract his attention._] Ahem! Ahem!
LUKYN.
[_Gazing up at the ceiling._] My first visit to the Hotel des Princes
was in the year--the year--let me think.
CHARLOTTE.
[_Whispering to AGATHA POSKET._] Isn't he going to help me?
LUKYN.
Was it in '55?
AGATHA POSKET.
[_Quickly passing her plate over to CHARLOTTE._] I'm not hungry.
CHARLOTTE.
You're a dear.
LUKYN.
[_Emphatically._] It _was_ in '55. I'm forgetful again--pardon me.
[_He hands plate of oysters to CHARLOTTE, and is surprised to find her
eating vigorously._] Why, I thought I---- [_To AGATHA POSKET._] My
dear madam, a thousand apologies. [_He helps her and then himself._]
Pah! they're cold--icy--you could skate on 'em. There's a dish of
something else over there.
[_He goes to the sideboard; VALE'S hand is again stretched forth with
the other covered dish._
VALE.
I say, Lukyn.
LUKYN.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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