Fit company for _Porters_, or for _Peers_. Of ev'ry useful knowledge I've a share, But my top talent is a bill of fare. Sir Loins and rumps of beef offend my eyes, Pleas'd with frogs fricasseed, and coxcomb-pies. Dishes I chuse though little, yet genteel, _Snails_ the first course, and _Peepers_ crown the meal. Pigs heads with hair on, much my fancy please, I love young colly-flow'rs if stew'd in cheese, And give ten guineas for a pint of peas. No tatling servants to my table come, My Grace is _Silence_, and my waiter _Dumb_. Queer Country-puts extol Queen _Bess_'s reign, And of lost hospitality complain. Say thou that do'st thy father's table praise, Was there _Mahogena_ in former days? Oh! could a British Barony be sold! I would bright honour buy with dazling gold. Could I the _privilege_ of _Peer_ procure, The rich I'd bully, and oppress the poor. To _give_ is wrong, but it is wronger still, On any terms to _pay_ a tradesman's bill. I'd make the insolent Mechanicks stay, And keep my ready money all for _play_. I'd try if any pleasure could be found, In _tossing-up_ for twenty thousand pound. Had I whole Counties, I to _White_'s would go, And set lands, woods, and rivers, at a throw. But should I meet with an unlucky run, And at a throw be gloriously undone; My _debts of honour_ I'd discharge the first, Let all my _lawful creditors_ be curst: My _Title_ would preserve me from arrest, And seising _hired horses_ is a jest. I'd walk the mornings with an _oaken stick_, With gloves and hat, like my own _footman, Dick_. A footman I wou'd be, in outward show, In sense, and education, _truly so_. As for my _head_, it should ambiguous wear _At once_ a periwig, _and_ its own hair. My hair I'd powder in the women's way, And _dress_, and _talk of dressing_, more than they. I'll please the maids of honour, if I can; Without black-velvet-britches, what is man? I will my skill in _button-holes_ display, And brag how oft I shift me ev'ry day. Shall I wear cloaths, in _awkward England_ made? And sweat in cloth, to help the _woollen trade_? In _French_ embroid'ry and in _Flanders_ lace I'll spend the income of a treasurer's place. _Deard_'s bill for baubles shall to thousands mount, And I'd out-di'mond ev'n the _Di'mond Count_. I would convince the world by taudry cloa's, That _Belles_ are less effeminate than beaux, And Doctor _Lamb_ should pare my Lordship's toes. To boon companions I my time would give, With players, pimps, and parasites I'd live. I would with _Jockeys_ from _Newmarket_ dine, And to _Rough-riders_ give my choicest wine. I would caress some _Stableman_ of note, And imitate his language, and his _coat_. My ev'nings all I would with _sharpers_ spend, And make the _Thief-catcher_ my bosom friend. In _Fig_ the Prize-fighter by day delight, And sup with _Colly Cibber_ ev'ry night.