The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
In the same breath he told him that he was a gentleman, that a
messenger's life was practically that of a blanky slave, and that a
young man of spirit who wished to add to his already large fortune
would have a bit on Giant Gooseberry for the City and Suburban. He then
paused for a reply.
Now, all through the day George had been assailed by a steady stream of
determined ear-biters. Again and again he had been staked out as an
ore-producing claim by men whom it would have been impolitic to rebuff.
He was tired of lending, and in a mood to resent unauthorized demands.
Harold Flower's struck him as particularly unauthorized. He said so.
It took some little time to convince Mr Flower that he really meant it,
but, realizing at last the grim truth, he drew a long breath and spoke.
'Ho!' he said. 'Afraid you can't spare it, can't you? A gentleman comes
and asks you with tack and civility for a temp'y loan of about 'arf
nothing, and all you do is to curse and swear at him. Do you know what
I call you--you and your thousand quid? A tuppenny millionaire, that's
what I call you. Keep your blooming money. That's all I ask.
_Keep_ it. Much good you'll get out of it. I know your sort.
You'll never have any pleasure of it. Not you. You're the careful sort.
You'll put it into Consols, _you_ will, and draw your three-ha'pence
a year. Money wasn't meant for your kind. It don't _mean_ nothing
to you. You ain't got the go in you to appreciate it. A vegetable--that's
all you are. A blanky little vegetable. A blanky little gor-blimey
vegetable. I seen turnips with more spirit in 'em that what you've got.
And Brussels sprouts. Yes, _and_ parsnips.'
It is difficult to walk away with dignity when a man with a hoarse
voice and a watery eye is comparing you to your disadvantage with a
parsnip, and George did not come anywhere near achieving the feat. But
he extricated himself somehow, and went home brooding.
Mr Flower's remarks rankled particularly because it so happened that
Consols were the identical investment on which he had decided. His
Uncle Robert, with whom he lived as a paying guest, had strongly
advocated them. Also they had suggested themselves to him
independently.
But Harold Flower's words gave him pause. They made him think. For two
weeks and some days he thought, flushing uncomfortably whenever he met
that watery but contemptuous eye. And then came the day of his annual
vacation, and with it inspiration. He sought out the messenger, whom
till now he had carefully avoided.
'Er--Flower,' he said.
'Me lord?'
'I am taking my holiday tomorrow. Will you forward my letters? I will
wire you the address. I have not settled on my hotel yet. I am popping
over'--he paused--'I am popping over,' he resumed, carelessly, 'to
Monte.'
'To who?' inquired Mr Flower.
'To Monte. Monte Carlo, you know.'
Mr Flower blinked twice rapidly, then pulled himself together.
'Yus, I _don't_ think!' he said.
And that settled it.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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