The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
Agravaine was conscious of a dull, heavy weight pressing on his heart.
He had known his love was hopeless, but even hopelessness is the better
for being indefinite. He understood now.
'And you naturally want to get rid of me before it can happen,' he
said. 'I don't wonder. I'm not vain... Well, I'll go. I knew I had no
chance. Good-bye.'
He turned. She stopped him with a sharp cry.
'What do you mean? You cannot wish to stay now? I am saving you.'
'Saving me! I have loved you since the moment you entered the Hall at
Camelot,' said Agravaine.
She drew in her breath.
'You--you love me!'
They looked at each other in the starlight. She held out her hands.
'Agravaine!'
She drooped towards him, and he gathered her into his arms. For a
novice, he did it uncommonly well.
It was about six months later that Agravaine, having ridden into the
forest, called upon a Wise Man at his cell.
In those days almost anyone who was not a perfect bonehead could set up
as a Wise Man and get away with it. All you had to do was to live in a
forest and grow a white beard. This particular Wise Man, for a wonder,
had a certain amount of rude sagacity. He listened carefully to what
the knight had to say.
'It has puzzled me to such an extent,' said Agravaine, 'that I felt
that I must consult a specialist. You see me. Take a good look at me.
What do you think of my personal appearance? You needn't hesitate. It's
worse than that. I am the ugliest man in England.'
'Would you go as far as that?' said the Wise Man, politely.
'Farther. And everybody else thinks so. Everybody except my wife. She
tells me that I am a model of manly beauty. You know Lancelot? Well,
she says I have Lancelot whipped to a custard. What do you make of
that? And here's another thing. It is perfectly obvious to me that my
wife is one of the most beautiful creatures in existence. I have seen
them all, and I tell you that she stands alone. She is literally
marooned in Class A, all by herself. Yet she insists that she is plain.
What do you make of it?'
The Wise Man stroked his beard.
'My son,' he said, 'the matter is simple. True love takes no account of
looks.'
'No?' said Agravaine.
'You two are affinities. Therefore, to you the outward aspect is nothing.
Put it like this. Love is a thingummybob who what-d'you-call-its.'
'I'm beginning to see,' said Agravaine.
'What I meant was this. Love is a wizard greater than Merlin. He plays
odd tricks with the eyesight.'
'Yes,' said Agravaine.
'Or, put it another way. Love is a sculptor greater than Praxiteles. He
takes an unsightly piece of clay and moulds it into a thing divine.'
'I get you,' said Agravaine.
The Wise Man began to warm to his work.
'Or shall we say--'
'I think I must be going,' said Agravaine. 'I promised my wife I would
be back early.'
'We might put it--' began the Wise Man perseveringly.
'I understand,' said Agravaine, hurriedly. 'I quite see now. Good-bye.'
The Wise Man sighed resignedly.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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