The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
'And didn't they sell?'
'Hardly at all. You see, a song doesn't sell unless somebody well known
sings it. And people promise to sing them, and then don't keep their
word. You can't depend on what they say.'
'Give me their names,' said Beverley, 'and I'll go round tomorrow and
shoot the whole lot. But can't you do anything?'
'Only keep on keeping on.'
'I wish,' he said, 'that any time you're feeling blue about things you
would come up and pour out the poison on me. It's no good bottling it
up. Come up and tell me about it, and you'll feel ever so much better.
Or let me come down. Any time things aren't going right just knock on
the ceiling.'
She laughed.
'Don't rub it in,' pleaded Beverley. 'It isn't fair. There's nobody so
sensitive as a reformed floor-knocker. You will come up or let me come
down, won't you? Whenever I have that sad, depressed feeling, I go out
and kill a policeman. But you wouldn't care for that. So the only thing
for you to do is to knock on the ceiling. Then I'll come charging down
and see if there's anything I can do to help.'
'You'll be sorry you ever said this.'
'I won't,' he said stoutly.
'If you really mean it, it _would_ be a relief,' she admitted.
'Sometimes I'd give all the money I'm ever likely to make for someone
to shriek my grievances at. I always think it must have been so nice
for the people in the old novels, when they used to say: "Sit down and
I will tell you the story of my life." Mustn't it have been heavenly?'
'Well,' said Beverley, rising, 'you know where I am if I'm wanted.
Right up there where the knocking came from.'
'Knocking?' said Annette. 'I remember no knocking.'
'Would you mind shaking hands?' said Beverley.
* * * * *
A particularly maddening hour with one of her pupils drove her up the
very next day. Her pupils were at once her salvation and her despair.
They gave her the means of supporting life, but they made life hardly
worth supporting. Some of them were learning the piano. Others thought
they sang. All had solid ivory skulls. There was about a teaspoonful of
grey matter distributed among the entire squad, and the pupil Annette
had been teaching that afternoon had come in at the tail-end of the
division.
In the studio with Beverley she found Reginald Sellers, standing in a
critical attitude before the easel. She was not very fond of him. He
was a long, offensive, patronizing person, with a moustache that looked
like a smear of charcoal, and a habit of addressing her as 'Ah, little
one!'
Beverley looked up.
'Have you brought your hatchet, Miss Brougham? If you have, you're just
in time to join in the massacre of the innocents. Sellers has been
smiting my child and cat hip and thigh. Look at his eye. There! Did you
see it flash then? He's on the warpath again.'
'My dear Beverley,' said Sellers, rather stiffly, 'I am merely
endeavouring to give you my idea of the picture's defects. I am sorry
if my criticism has to be a little harsh.'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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