"Thank you, dear Papa Farley." Winnie laid her hand gently on his big
fist resting on the table. He withdrew his fingers, but as he did so
gave her hand an apologetic pat. Her little fingers felt to her like
iron under his big soft hand. She knew he was afraid when she touched
him. Vulgar old man, she said to herself. She despised him so that she
wanted to touch him again out of her superiority. "Dear Papa Farley!"
There was helpless moisture in his eyes which he could not keep from
her.
"I have some work today. I'll forego dessert." Alice got up with sudden
awkwardness and pushed her chair back. She smiled at them all, not
seeing them.
When she had gone they were pleased and yet ashamed of themselves,
knowing why she went.
"Did you get your deal through, Father?" Laurence asked impatiently
after a moment. They were all relieved of the silence too heavy with
Alice.
* * * * *
The window was open and the thick dark night, coming warm and moist into
the bedroom, made Alice feel as though some one breathed into her face,
close against her, stifling her. The yellow gas flame rushed up from the
jet with a stealthy noise. The street outside was still.
Alice sat down before her typewriter and stared at it. Suddenly her full
breasts heaved. "Oh, my God!" She buried her face. Her blouse pulled
tight across her shoulders as she stretched her arms in front of her.
Horace Ridge was going to Europe to remain two years. He might get well.
He might die. His eyes. She felt herself lost in the darkness of his
eyes.
Then something broke in her. I'll tell him. I'll go with him.
She dared not see herself in the glass opposite. Once she had abandoned
herself to her desire to be beautiful. She remembered, with a horrible
sense of humiliation, the hours spent behind locked doors when she had
tried to make herself into something men would like. One day she had
done her hair a new way, and, going into the living-room, had caught
Laurence's ridiculing eyes upon her. That was before he married Winnie.
Alice realized that something had gone wild in her. She had picked a
paper knife from a table and hurled it at him and it had cut his hand.
His face had turned scarlet, then white, then scarlet again. He had gone
out as if he were glad, without speaking to her.
After that she fixed her hair the old way and avoided the mirror. She
did not want to realize what she was. Nothing existed but work.
When she met a pretty woman in the streets Alice had a sense of
outrage. A self-righteous flame burnt in her. Then she tried to be
patient and it grew cool. She wore heavy careless clothing. She was
generous to Winnie. Most of all it relieved Alice to buy presents for
the children.
It was the evening before when she came home from work that Bobby met
her in the hall. Then there was jam on his unperturbed face. "You donna
bring me sumpin'," he reminded her.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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