As a young man he had never been able to carry a decision into effect,
since he could never clearly distinguish his own pains from the pains of
those he opposed. As a boy, his pride made him suffer with a sense of
misunderstood greatness. Winnie had drunk that suffering out of him. He
had drained himself dry that her agony might be rich.
Winnie had drunk his want. He was empty. His heart was old.
He flung his children away. He was free. But free was the name of a
thing he had lost. While Winnie lived there was a certain vividness in
his fatigue. His resentment of her had held him together.
He analyzed the family and told himself that it was a monster which fed
on pain. It had grown stronger while Winnie had been weak and sick. It
was yet stronger now that she was dead.
When night came he thought of Winnie, who had always been afraid to be
alone, left in the dark and the silence and the wet earth. About twelve
it began to rain. She was more still out there because of the rain.
He saw the plump, stiff body happy in its box. The rain softened its
plumpness. The dead woman was lost in the thick night, in the
rain--always.
The night said nothing, but in one place, far off, where the grave was,
the night became bright and horrible. He understood the night where it
came from the grave in the darkness.
The dead woman stirred. The cold was bright in the whiteness of her
face. Here was where the dark ended in itself.
The rain fell upon her. He could not tear her from the rain, or from his
horror of her. He was locked in his horror of her as in a perpetual
embrace.
She was dead. She lived in him endlessly. Never could he be delivered
except into greater intimacy. Forever, he belonged to her; to her white
face with shut eyes, to its passive torture, to its movelessness against
rain. He felt already the day, cold like this, still like this, when she
would have him utterly. Almost, it seemed that he remembered something.
* * * * *
One evening after the children had eaten, Alice said, "I'll undress the
kiddikins. Is it time for the baby's bottle, Mamma?"
Mrs. Farley wanted to give the baby his bottle, but there was meat
burning in the oven, so she resigned the office to Alice. "If he's still
asleep, don't wake him up."
Alice went upstairs, carrying the bottle in one hand and holding Bobby's
fist with the other. May came behind.
When they reached the nursery, the baby seemed so quiet that Alice set
the bottle on the mantel shelf and began to undress Bobby.
It was summery dusk in the room. Outside the window the city melted in
hyacinth mist. The gold lights in the houses across the street were
still like a row of crocuses. Everything else seemed to be shaken in the
trembling dusk. The room quivered, unreal.
In the half dark, May watched Aunt Alice.
"Climb into bed, Bobby."
"He didn't say his prayers, Aunt Alice."
"Well, he can say his prayers tomorrow night."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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