Let me return to my mouse. For you will observe that the whole question
revolves, really, around that little allegorical mite. It is an omen:
it is a symbol. It is a little herald of the Providence that I do not
believe in--of the Providence you so implicitly seek to obey. For
instinctively you believe in Providence--in God, if you will. I as
instinctively disbelieve. Intellectually of course you disbelieve in a
God. You say that it is impossible for Reason to accept an Overlord; I
that Reason forces one to accept an Overlord; that Reason forces one
to believe in an Omnipotent Ruler--only I am unable to believe. We, my
dear, are in ourselves evidence of a design in creation. For we are the
last word of creation. It has taken all the efforts, all the birthpangs
of all the ages to evolve--you and me. And, being evolved, we are
intellectually so perfectly and so divinely fashioned to dovetail
together. And, physically too, are we not divinely meant the one for
the other? Do we not react to the same causes: should not we survive
the same hardships or succumb to the same stresses? Since you have
been away I have gone looking for people--men, women, children, even
animals--that could hold my attention for a minute. There has not been
one. And what purer evidence of design could you ask for than that?
I have made this pact with the Providence that I argue for, with the
Providence in whose existence I cannot believe--that if, from under
the castle of black metal boxes, the mouse reappear and challenge
death--then there is no future state. And, since I can find no
expression save in you, if we are not reunited I shall no longer exist.
So my mouse is the sign, the arbitrament, a symbol of an eternal life
or the herald of nothingness.
I will make to you the confession that since this fancy, this profound
truth, has entered my mind, I have not raised my eyes from the paper. I
dread--I suppose it is dread--to look across the ring of light that my
lamp casts. But now I will do so. I will let my eyes travel across the
bundles of dusty papers on my desk. Do you know I have left them just
as they were on the day when you came to ask me to take your railway
tickets? I will let my eyes travel across that rampart of blue and
white dockets.... The mouse is not there.
But that is not an end of it. I am not a man to be ungenerous in my
dealings with the Omnipotent: I snatch no verdict.
II
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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