You must have felt a long time ago that there was not, that there could
not have been another woman. The associations of the ring are not
with the past of a finished affection, or hate, or passion, with all
these forms of unrest that have a term in life: they looked forward to
where there is no end--whether there is rest in it God alone knows.
If it were not bad taste to use big words in extremities I would say
there was Eternity in the ring--Eternity which is the negation of all
that life may contain of losses and disappointments. Perhaps you have
noticed that there was one note in our confidence that never responded
to your touch. It was that note of universal negation contained within
the glass film of the ring. It is not you who brought the ring into my
life: I had it made years ago. It was in my nature always to anticipate
a touch on my shoulder, to which the only answer could be an act of
defiance. And the ring is my weapon. I shall raise it to my teeth, bite
through the glass: inside there is poison.
I haven’t concealed anything from you. Have I? And, with the great
wisdom for which I love you, you have tolerated these other things. You
would have tolerated this too, you who have met so many sinners and
have never sinned....
Ah, my dear one--that is why I have so loved you. From our two poles we
have met upon one common ground of scepticism--so that I am not certain
whether it was you or I who first said: “Believe nothing: be harsh to
no one.” But at least we have suffered. One does not drag around with
one such a cannon-ball as I have done all these years without thinking
some wise thoughts. And well I know that in your dreary and terrible
life you have gained your great wisdom. You have been envied; you too
have thought: Is any prospect fair to those among its trees? And I
have been envied for my gifts, for my talents, for my wealth, for my
official position, for the letters after my name, for my great and
empty house, for my taste in pictures--for my ... for my opportunities.
Great criminals and the very patient learn one common lesson: Believe
in nothing, be harsh to no one!
But you cannot understand how immensely leisurely I feel. It is one
o’clock at night. I cannot possibly be arrested before eleven to-morrow
morning. I have ten hours in which, without the shadow of a doubt, I
can write to you: I can put down my thoughts desultorily and lazily. I
have half a score of hours in which to speak to you.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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