All, then, was a mockery. It was only this past summer that he had
begun to fancy himself in love with Maggie Deronnais. It had been an
emotion of very quiet growth, developing gently, week by week, feeding
on her wholesomeness, her serenity, her quiet power, her cool, capable
hands, and the look in her direct eyes; it resembled respect rather
than passion, and need rather than desire; it was a hunger rather than
a thirst. Then had risen up this other, blinding and bewildering; and,
he told himself, he now knew the difference. His lips curled into
bitter and resentful lines as he contemplated the contrast. And all
was gone, shattered and vanished; and even Maggie was now impossible.
Again he writhed over, sick with pain and longing; and so lay.
* * * * *
It was ten minutes before he moved again, and then he only roused
himself as he heard a foot on the stairs. Perhaps it was his mother.
He slipped off the couch and stood up, his face lined and creased with
the pressure with which he had lain just now, and smoothed his tumbled
clothes. Yes, he must go down.
He stepped to the door and opened it.
"I am coming immediately," he said to the servant.
* * * * *
He bore himself at lunch with a respectable self-control, though he
said little or nothing. His mother's attitude he found hard to bear,
as he caught her eyes once or twice looking at him with sympathy; and
he allowed himself internally to turn to Maggie with relief in spite
of his meditations just now. She at least respected his sorrow, he
told himself. She bore herself very naturally, though with long
silences, and never once met his eyes with her own. He made his
excuses as soon as he could and slipped across to the stable yard. At
least he would be alone this afternoon. Only, as he rode away half an
hour later, he caught a sight of the slender little figure of his
mother waiting to have one word with him if she could, beyond the
hall-door. But he set his lips and would not see her.
It was one of those perfect September days that fall sometimes as a
gift from heaven after the bargain of summer has been more or less
concluded. As he rode all that afternoon through lanes and across
uplands, his view barred always to the north by the great downs above
Royston, grey-blue against the radiant sky, there was scarcely a hint
in earth or heaven of any emotion except prevailing peace. Yet the
very serenity tortured him the more by its mockery. The birds babbled
in the deep woods, the cheerful noise of children reached him now and
again from a cottage garden, the mellow light smiled unending
benediction, and yet his subconsciousness let go for never an instant
of the long elm box six feet below ground, and of its contents lying
there in the stifling dark, in the long-grassed churchyard on the hill
above his home.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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