English fiction -- 19th century; London (England) -- Fiction; Poor -- Fiction; Poverty -- Fiction
Some one coming upstairs made her shrink back into her room, She had
felt the horrible fascination of that sheer depth, and thought of it
for days, thought of it until she dreaded to quit the tenement, lest a
power distinct from will should seize and hurl her to destruction. She
knew that that must not happen here; for all her self-absorption, she
could not visit with such cruelty the one heart that loved her. And
thinking of him, she understood that her father’s tenderness was not
wholly the idle thing that it had been to her at first; her love could
never equal his, had never done so in her childhood, but she grew
conscious of a soothing power in the gentle and timid devotion with
which he tended her. His appearance of an evening was something more
than a relief after the waste of hours which made her day. The rough,
passionate man made himself as quiet and sympathetic as a girl when he
took his place by her. Compared with her, his other children were as
nothing to him. Impossible that Clara should not be touched by the
sense that he who had everything to forgive, whom she had despised and
abandoned, behaved now as one whose part it is to beseech forgiveness.
She became less impatient when he tried to draw her into conversation;
when he held her thin soft hand in those rude ones of his, she knew a
solace in which there was something of gratitude.
Yet it was John who revived her misery in its worst form. Pitying her
unoccupied loneliness, he brought home one day a book that he had
purchased from a stall in Farringdon Street; it was a novel (with a
picture on the cover which seemed designed to repel any person not
wholly without taste), and might perhaps serve the end of averting her
thoughts from their one subject. Clara viewed it contemptuously, but
made a show of being thankful, and on the next day she did glance at
its pages. The story was better than its illustration; it took a hold
upon her; she read all day long. But when she returned to herself, it
was to find that she had been exasperating her heart’s malady. The book
dealt with people of wealth and refinement, with the world to which she
had all her life been aspiring, and to which she might have attained.
The meanness of her surroundings became in comparison more mean, the
bitterness of her fate more bitter. You must not lose sight of the fact
that since abandoning her work-girl existence Clara had been constantly
educating herself, not only by direct study of books, but through her
association with people, her growth in experience. Where in the old
days of rebellion she had only an instinct, a divination to guide her,
there was now just enough of knowledge to give occupation to her
developed intellect and taste. Far keener was her sense of the loss she
had suffered than her former longing for what she knew only in dream.
The activity of her mind received a new impulse when she broke free
from Scawthorne and began her upward struggle in independence. Whatever
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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