Apocalyptic fiction; Dystopias -- Fiction; Science fiction, American
After we'd chewed over those racy topics and some more like them, and
incidentally got bored with guessing and fabricating, we might, if we
felt especially daring and conversation were going particularly well,
even take a chance on talking a little about our childhoods, about how
things were before the Last War (though she was almost too young for
that)--about the _little_ things we remembered--the big things were much
too dangerous topics to venture on and sometimes even the little
memories could suddenly twist you up as if you'd swallowed lye.
But after that there wouldn't be anything left to talk about. Anything
you'd risk talking about, that is. For instance, no matter how long we
talked, it was very unlikely that we'd either of us tell the other
anything complete or very accurate about how we lived from day to day,
about our techniques of surviving and staying sane or at least
functional--that would be too imprudent, it would go too much against
the grain of any player of the murder game. Would I tell her, or anyone,
about how I worked the ruses of playing dead and disguising myself as a
woman, about my trick of picking a path just before dark and then
circling back to it by a pre-surveyed route, about the chess games I
played with myself, about the bottle of green, terribly hot-looking
powder I carried to sprinkle behind me to bluff off pursuers? A fat
chance of my revealing things like that!
And when all the talk was over, what would it have gained us? Our
minds would be filled with a lot of painful stuff better kept
buried--meaningless hopes, scraps of vicarious living in "cultured"
communities, memories that were nothing but melancholy given concrete
form. The melancholy is easiest to bear when it's the diffused
background for everything; and all garbage is best kept in the can. Oh
yes, our talking would have gained us a few more days of infatuation, of
phantom security, but those we could have--almost as many of them, at
any rate--without talking.
For instance things were smoothing over already between her and me again
and I no longer felt quite so irked. She'd replaced the comb with an
inoffensive-looking pair of light pliers and was doing up her hair with
the metal shavings. And I was acting as if content to watch her, as in a
way I was. I'd still made no move to get dressed.
She looked real sweet, you know, primping herself that way. Her face was
a little flat, but it was young, and the scar gave it just the fillip it
needed.
But what was going on behind that forehead right now, I asked myself? I
felt real psychic this morning, my mind as clear as a bottle of White
Rock you find miraculously unbroken in a blasted tavern, and the answers
to the question I'd asked myself came effortlessly.
* * * * *
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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