"You are an old fool," said I to him. "How could there be bloodshed with me here merely despising you all for not knowing what I mean when I say it." "We know you mean what you say, sir," responded the old gentleman. "Pray God you mean peaceably!" "Hoity-toity!" shouted a loud voice, and I saw a great, tall, ugly woman bearing down upon me from the doorway. "Out of my way," she thundered at a waiter. The man gasped out: "Yes, your ladyship!" I was face to face with the mother of my lovely Mary. "Hoity-toity!" she shouted at me again. "A brawler, eh? A lively swordster, hey? A real damn-my-eyes swaggering bully!" Then she charged upon me. "How dare you brawl with these inoffensive people under the same roof which shelters me, fellow? By my word, I would have pleasure to give you a box on the ear!" "Madam," I protested hurriedly. But I saw the futility of it. Without devoting further time to an appeal, I turned and fled. I dodged behind three chairs and moved them hastily into a rampart. "Madam," I cried, feeling that I could parley from my new position, "you labour under a misapprehension." "Misapprehend me no misapprehensions," she retorted hotly. "How dare you say that I can misapprehend anything, wretch?" She attacked each flank in turn, but so agile was I that I escaped capture, although my position in regard to the chairs was twice reversed. We performed a series of nimble manoeuvres which were characterized on my part by a high degree of strategy. But I found the rampart of chairs an untenable place. I was again obliged hurriedly to retreat, this time taking up a position behind a large table. "Madam," I said desperately, "believe me, you are suffering under a grave misapprehension." "Again he talks of misapprehension!" We revolved once swiftly around the table; she stopped, panting. "And this is the blusterer! And why do you not stand your ground, coward?" "Madam," said I with more coolness now that I saw she would soon be losing her wind, "I would esteem it very ungallant behaviour if I endured your attack for even a brief moment. My forefathers form a brave race which always runs away from the ladies." After this speech we revolved twice around the table. I must in all candour say that the Countess used language which would not at all suit the pages of my true and virtuous chronicle; but indeed it was no worse than I often heard afterward from the great ladies of the time. However, the talk was not always addressed to me, thank the Saints! After we had made the two revolutions, I spoke reasonably. "Madam," said I, "if we go spinning about the table in this fashion for any length of time, these gawking spectators will think we are a pair of wheels." "Spectators!" she cried, lifting her old head high. She beheld about seventy-five interested people. She called out loudly to them: "And is there no gentleman among you all to draw his sword and beat me this rascal from the inn?" Nobody moved.