The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
History
The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Fiction
There was a movement of the audience toward the door. Men and women
went out silently from the place, exchanging covert glances of
smothered agitation with each other. Only one person remained with the
orator. It was an old file with a blue umbrella, who had occupied a
back seat and paid breathless attention to all the performances. After
the others had left the hall, he walked deliberately from his seat to
where the high-toned moral chap was still standing, and gazed into the
face of the latter with an expression of unmitigated wonder. He then
walked twice around him; having done which he confronted him again,
thumped the ferule of his umbrella on the floor, and says he: "Well!"
The old file paused an instant, and then says he: "well, I'll be dam,"
and waddled precipitately from the place.
I've often thought of it since then, my boy; and I've always wondered
why it was that the solitary old file with the blue umbrella should say
that he be dam.
To return to Western Virginia; I found, upon my arrival in one of the
camps near Winchester, that the patriotic democratic chap was making
arrangements to divide the army there into Wards, instead of regiments,
in order, as he said, that the returns might come in systematically.
"For instance," says he, "suppose that in the skirmish with the
Confederacy which is going on just ahead of us, we should lose--say
seventy-five votes; how much easier it would be to say; the 'Fourth
Ward shows a decrease since last year of seventy-five Republicans',
than to say that such a regiment, of such a brigade, of such a
division, has lost so and so?"
I was reflecting upon this novel and admirable way of putting it, my
boy, when an orderly came tearing in, with a report of the skirmishing
going on.
"Ha!" says the patriotic chap to him; "how does the canvas proceed?"
"Well," says the orderly, breathlessly, "Banks' outpost has lost twenty
votes in the Tenth Ward by desertions, and has thirty double-votes
wounded; but I think Banks can still keep neck-and-neck with McDowell."
"You do, hey?" says the patriotic chap, in great excitement. "Then
McDowell must not lend Banks a single vote. Tell him to keep his Ward
Committees under cover until Banks gets through with his canvas; for if
he takes part in that, and the election results in a victory over the
Confederacy, Banks will get all the credit of it, and win the card in
the next Nominating Convention."
So McDowell's votes didn't re-enforce Banks in the skirmish, my boy,
and Banks lost much popularity by being worsted, by the Confederacy.
As soon as the firing had ceased, I went out to meet some of the
returning Wards, and came plump upon the swallow-tail chap, who was
agitating the negro question in a corner of the late battle-field,
surrounded by fugitive contrabands.
"Friend of the human race," says I, "how now?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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