"For Heaven's sake, don't fire! Vallandigham me," says he, staring right over the turkey,--"Vallandigham me, if I didn't come near telling them to shoot! And there's a nigger coming after the turkey as sure as death. Ah! what an escape!" A Mackerel chap, who had noticed his staring and great agitation, approached respectfully, and says he: "Does a obstacle to victory protrude?" The conservative Kentucky chap spat at a copy of the "Tribune," which he threw upon the ground for the purpose, and says he: "Notwithstanding any Proclamations whatsoever, Kentucky is not waging this war against the institution of slavery. In the dim distance I behold a contraband apparently approaching the turkey, and there must be no bombardment until he has returned to his rightful owner." The Mackerel chap wiped his boots with the "Tribune," and says he: "I do not see our brother Africa at all." Here the Confederate turkey, who had finished his worm, turned heavily from the scene, and presently disappeared on the other side of Paris. The Kentucky chap still kept staring afar off, and says he: "Why, I can see him, though he appears to be at a great distance." Now it chanced, my boy, that while the conservative Kentucky chap was saying this, the Mackerel chap gazed at him fixedly, and then says he, in just astonishment: "Methinks there is a object on one of the glasses of your spectacles, Capting." Frantically the Kentucky chap tore off his spectacles, and discovered upon one of the glasses an object indeed. It was a small picture of a negro minstrel, my boy, cut from the show-bill of some country band, and pasted upon the spectacles of Kentucky's rising son. It had been secretly placed there the night before by a Democratic chap from the Sixth Ward, to give a constitutional turn to the war. The mind's eye of Conservatism, my boy, looks upon the war through spectacles so seldom cleaned, that what most offends it, is more than likely to be what exists only in its own looking-glasses. Yours, spectacularly, ORPHEUS C. KERR. LETTER LXXXII. NOTING THE UTTER DESTRUCTION, BY AN INEBRIATED JOURNALIST, OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON'S BENIGNANT SPEECH; INTRODUCING THE NEW GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE; AND DESCRIBING A CURIOUS PHENOMENON ON DUCK LAKE. WASHINGTON, D.C., Jan. 15th, 1863. The venerable Gammon, has melted sadly home to Mugville since the removal of the late idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade, and a worshipping peasantry are exasperated at his unnatural wrongs. I cannot exactly, see, my boy, how this venerable man is so deeply injured by the said removal; in fact, it does not appear to me that he can have any interest in the change whatever; but his appearance of deep affliction has called scalding tears to all beholding eyes, and the attached populace crawl in the dust at the subduing aspect of his inexpressible woe.