She had been married now a little more than two years, and during the
latter portion of that time life had held for her that precise dose of
misery which is just insufficient to produce uncertainties of thought in
a mind naturally exalted. There had indeed been moments in which the
possibility of insanity had presented itself, and there had been moments
also in which she would have welcomed that possibility as a grateful
release: but those moments had passed, the possibility with them; and
this evening as she sat in the stalls her outward appearance was much
such as it had been two years before. But within, where her heart had
been, was a cemetery.
Among our friends and acquaintances there are always those who to our
knowledge have tombstones of their own. But there are others that evolve
a world--one that glows, subsides, and dies away unknown to any save
themselves. The solitudes of space appall; the solitudes of the heart
can be as endless as they. In those which Justine concealed, a universe
had had its being and its subsidence; a universe with gem-like hopes for
stars--one in which the sun had been so eager its rays had made her
blind. There had been comets gorgeous and tangential as aspirations ever
are; there had been the colorless ether of which dreams are made; and
for cosmic matter there was love. But now it was all dispersed; there
was nothing left, one altar merely--the petrefaction of a prayer erected
long since in the depths of her distress, and which for conscience' sake
now and then she tended still.
And now, as the play at which she assisted unrolled before her unseeing
eyes, one by one scenes from another drama rose unsummoned in its stead.
First was the meeting with Mistrial at Tuxedo, then the episode at
Aiken, the marriage that followed, and the banishment that ensued: a
banishment, parenthetically, which at the time being she was powerless
to understand. Her father's anger had indeed weighed on her; but it was
not wholly that--she was too much in love to let it be more than a
shadow on her delight; nor was it because of unfamiliar lands: it was
that little by little, through incidents originally misunderstood and
then more completely grasped, the discovery, avoided yet ever returning,
came to her, stayed with her, and made her its own--that the man whom
she had loved and the man whom she had married were separate and
distinct.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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