Well, the crash which I had foreseen has come--and that no further back
than yesterday. The university authorities have taken my lectureship
from me. It has been done in the most delicate way, purporting to be a
temporary measure to relieve me from the effects of overwork, and to
give me the opportunity of recovering my health. None the less, it has
been done, and I am no longer Professor Gilroy. The laboratory is
still in my charge, but I have little doubt that that also will soon go.
The fact is that my lectures had become the laughing-stock of the
university. My class was crowded with students who came to see and
hear what the eccentric professor would do or say next. I cannot go
into the detail of my humiliation. Oh, that devilish woman! There is
no depth of buffoonery and imbecility to which she has not forced me.
I would begin my lecture clearly and well, but always with the sense of
a coming eclipse. Then as I felt the influence I would struggle
against it, striving with clenched hands and beads of sweat upon my
brow to get the better of it, while the students, hearing my incoherent
words and watching my contortions, would roar with laughter at the
antics of their professor. And then, when she had once fairly mastered
me, out would come the most outrageous things--silly jokes, sentiments
as though I were proposing a toast, snatches of ballads, personal abuse
even against some member of my class. And then in a moment my brain
would clear again, and my lecture would proceed decorously to the end.
No wonder that my conduct has been the talk of the colleges. No wonder
that the University Senate has been compelled to take official notice
of such a scandal. Oh, that devilish woman!
And the most dreadful part of it all is my own loneliness. Here I sit
in a commonplace English bow-window, looking out upon a commonplace
English street with its garish 'buses and its lounging policeman, and
behind me there hangs a shadow which is out of all keeping with the age
and place. In the home of knowledge I am weighed down and tortured by
a power of which science knows nothing. No magistrate would listen to
me. No paper would discuss my case. No doctor would believe my
symptoms. My own most intimate friends would only look upon it as a
sign of brain derangement. I am out of all touch with my kind. Oh,
that devilish woman! Let her have a care! She may push me too far.
When the law cannot help a man, he may make a law for himself.
She met me in the High Street yesterday evening and spoke to me. It
was as well for her, perhaps, that it was not between the hedges of a
lonely country road. She asked me with her cold smile whether I had
been chastened yet. I did not deign to answer her. "We must try
another turn of the screw;" said she. Have a care, my lady, have a
care! I had her at my mercy once. Perhaps another chance may come.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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