A review of the past is usually a protest against fate, and manly as
Herman was it was inevitable that into his reverie should come a sense
that the wrong and suffering of his life had been thrust upon him
undeserved. He could not be blind to the fact that it had been through
his virtues that he had been wounded. A sense of injustice comes with
the consciousness of having suffered through merit. Many a man is too
noble basely to avoid the consequences of his acts, but few can wholly
rid themselves of the feeling that the uncomplaining acceptance of
painful results should serve as expiation for the deeds which caused
them. The nobility of his nature, the purity of his intentions had made
of a boyish folly the curse of a lifetime. With whatever tenderness the
sculptor regarded Ninitta as the mother of his son, it was vain for him
to attempt to deceive himself in regard to his love for her. A man with
whom cordiality was instinctive, who was born for the most frank and
intimate domestic relations, he found in his wife small sympathy and
less comprehension. He had married her, believing that she had a right
to claim happiness at his hands because he had taught her to love him.
He had long since been obliged to own to himself that he had done this
at the expense of his own peace, and he now questioned whether the
experiment had succeeded better in her case than in his. If she had not
been able to comprehend his aims and to enter into his scheme of life,
it was equally true that she must have found in him little response to
the calls of her own nature. The bitterness of the sigh which wrung his
bosom, as he stood with his hand upon the railing and looked over the
water with the lights reflected on its blackness, was as much for her
as for himself.
Yet he would not have been human had he not felt thrills of anger when
he thought of the _Fatima._ No faintest suspicion crossed his mind of
any darker shame which might lie behind the fact that his wife had
posed for Fenton. This he could not doubt that she had done. This
explained her frequent absences from home in the morning, to which he
had before given no thought. He remembered, too, that for weeks a
furtive restlessness, poorly concealed, had been evident in Ninitta's
manner. He had attributed it to her intense opposition to Nino's being
sent to school; but now he read it differently. He could not but be
angry, yet his pity was greater than his wrath; and he resolved not
only to be forbearing with his wife, but hereafter to use greater
endeavors to enrich her colorless life. He was too thoroughly an artist
himself not to feel and appreciate how much the old love of posing, the
longing for the air of a studio, and the art instinct might have had to
do with Ninitta's fault.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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