The Physiology of Marriage, Part 3Balzac, Honoré de
Philosophy
The Physiology of Marriage, Part 3
Balzac, Honoré de
Marriage -- Humor
Thus it happens that either a woman chooses her doctor, wins over the
man who has been imposed upon her, or procures his dismissal. But this
contest is very rare; the majority of young men who marry are
acquainted with none but beardless doctors whom they have no anxiety
to procure for their wives, and almost always the Esculapius of the
household is chosen by the feminine power. Thus it happens that some
fine morning the doctor, when he leaves the chamber of madame, who has
been in bed for a fortnight, is induced by her to say to you:
"I do not say that the condition of madame presents any serious
symptoms; but this constant drowsiness, this general listlessness, and
her natural tendency to a spinal affection demand great care. Her
lymph is inspissated. She wants a change of air. She ought to be sent
either to the waters of Bareges or to the waters of Plombieres."
"All right, doctor."
You allow your wife to go to Plombieres; but she goes there because
Captain Charles is quartered in the Vosges. She returns in capital
health and the waters of Plombieres have done wonders for her. She has
written to you every day, she has lavished upon you from a distance
every possible caress. The danger of a spinal affection has utterly
disappeared.
There is extant a little pamphlet, whose publication was prompted
doubtless by hate. It was published in Holland, and it contains some
very curious details of the manner in which Madame de Maintenon
entered into an understanding with Fagon, for the purposes of
controlling Louis XIV. Well, some morning your doctor will threaten
you, as Fagon threatened his master, with a fit of apoplexy, if you do
not diet yourself. This witty work of satire, doubtless the production
of some courtier, entitled "Madame de Saint Tron," has been
interpreted by the modern author who has become proverbial as "the
young doctor." But his delightful sketch is very much superior to the
work whose title I cite for the benefit of the book-lovers, and we
have great pleasure in acknowledging that the work of our clever
contemporary has prevented us, out of regard for the glory of the
seventeenth century, from publishing the fragment of the old pamphlet.
Very frequently a doctor becomes duped by the judicious manoeuvres of
a young and delicate wife, and comes to you with the announcement:
"Sir, I would not wish to alarm madame with regard to her condition;
but I will advise you, if you value her health, to keep her in perfect
tranquillity. The irritation at this moment seems to threaten the
chest, and we must gain control of it; there is need of rest for her,
perfect rest; the least agitation might change the seat of the malady.
At this crisis, the prospect of bearing a child would be fatal to
her."
"But, doctor--"
"Ah, yes! I know that!"
He laughs and leaves the house.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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