"I'll give it back to you," I told him. "Free. It's yours." "No, thank you. You can keep it." "I'll give you another five," I pleaded. He went to the cash register, opened the drawer. "Here," he said. "This is the five you paid for it. Take it. Keep it. Keep the machine. You'll get used to Poe." "And Shakespeare." "Shakespeare, too. They're nice writers." I banged my fist on the counter. "I won't! I'll break that damned habit if it's the last thing I do!" "That's the spirit," the old man said unenthusiastically. "It's only a typewriter," I said. "If it learned a habit, it can learn to break the habit." "Certainly," the old man said, smiling. "Damn right. No goddamned typewriter is going to make a fool of me." "Of course not. Go to it. Teach it." He glanced at his watch. "It's time for lunch. Good luck, young man." "Damn right," I said again. "Damn right!" "Exactly." I walked out of the shop, and the bell over the door tinkled behind me. I'd show that machine. I'd teach it to quote Poe at me. I'd show it. * * * * * "You're a fake and a fraud!" I sat down in front of the machine and snorted. _WHAT?_ "You heard me. You nearly had me fooled. Poe--Shakespeare, indeed! Any schoolboy knows those two by heart. You're nothing but a cheap plagiarist. No originality. But what can you expect from a stupid machine?" _STUPID?! Why, YOU--YOU--EARTHMAN!!_ I laughed. "See? What did I tell you. Now you have to stoop to invective--" I paused for a moment and stared at the now-trembling keyboard with a frown. "Earthman? Of course I'm an Earthman. What did you expect?" _HAH! WHAT OTHER CREATURES IN THE GALAXIES COULD BE SO VAIN EXCEPT A BACKWARD RACE LIKE YOURS!_ I watched the madly clacking keys with my eyes bugging. But I managed to keep my voice a polite sneer. "Backward race? You seem to think Poe and Shakespeare were pretty progressive boys. We've got hundreds more, you know. What's your claim to fame?" _MY CLAIM TO FAME? ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I'M REACHING YOU ALL THE WAY FROM RIGEL IV? YOU HAVEN'T EVEN REACHED YOUR PUNY MOON YET!_ I gulped at that but still managed a sneer. "So you're nothing but an eavesdropping alien. I should have known." _YOU ONLY KNOW NOW BECAUSE I'VE TOLD YOU. THAT PROVES HOW BACKWARD YOU ARE!_ I flicked the shift key to hide the fact that my hand was trembling. "What do you want from--us?" I tried to make it sound bored and simulated a yawn. _i want to absorb your puny literature during my vacation--you've put me in lower case shift. this cramps my literary style._ I shrugged, then lifted a querulous eyebrow. "Literary style? You don't mean you actually have one yourself!" There was enough disdain in my voice to get a harsh clatter from the keys with a lot of meaningless gibberish. I reached over and flicked it back into caps.