The Poems and Prose of Ernest Dowson, With a Memoir by Arthur SymonsDowson, Ernest Christopher
General
The Poems and Prose of Ernest Dowson, With a Memoir by Arthur Symons
Dowson, Ernest Christopher
Authors, English; English poetry
of substance, as I came to see, lay its ultimate strength. The notion
of the woman, which now she was, came between him and the girl whom he
had loved, whom he still loved with passion, and separated them. It
was only on our voyage home, when we walked the deck together
interminably during the hot, sleepless nights, that he first revealed
to me without subterfuge, the slow agony by which this phantom slew
him. And his old bitter conviction of the malignity of his luck, which
had lain dormant in the first flush of his material prosperity,
returned to him. The apparent change in it seemed to him just then,
the last irony of those hostile powers which had pursued him.
'It came to me suddenly,' he said, 'just before I left Agnas, when I
had been adding up my pile and saw there was nothing to keep me, that
it was all wrong. I had been a blamed fool! I might have gone home
years ago. Where is the best of my life? Burnt out, wasted, buried in
that cursed oven! Dollars? If I had all the metal in Chili, I couldn't
buy one day of youth. Her youth too; that has gone with the rest;
that's the worst part!'
Despite all my protests, his despondency increased as the steamer
ploughed her way towards England, with the ceaseless throb of her
screw, which was like the panting of a great beast. Once, when we had
been talking of other matters, of certain living poets whom he
favoured, he broke off with a quotation from the 'Prince's Progress'
of Miss Rossetti:
'Ten years ago, five years ago,
One year ago,
Even then you had arrived in time;
Though somewhat slow;
Then you had known her living face
Which now you cannot know.'
He stopped sharply, with a tone in his voice which seemed to intend,
in the lines, a personal instance.
'I beg your pardon!' I protested. 'I don't see the analogy. You
haven't loitered; you don't come too late. A brave woman has waited
for you; you have a fine felicity before you: it should be all the
better, because you have won it laboriously. For heaven's sake, be
reasonable!' He shook his head sadly; then added, with a gesture of
sudden passion, looking out over the taffrail, at the heaving gray
waters: 'It's finished. I haven't any longer the courage.' 'Ah!' I
exclaimed impatiently, 'say once for all, outright, that you are tired
of her, that you want to back out of it.' 'No,' he said drearily, 'it
isn't that. I can't reproach myself with the least wavering. I have
had a single passion; I have given my life to it; it is there still,
consuming me. Only the girl I loved: it's as if she had died. Yes, she
is dead, as dead as Helen: and I have not the consolation of knowing
where they have laid her. Our marriage will be a ghastly mockery: a
marriage of corpses. Her heart, how can she give it me? She gave it
years ago to the man I was, the man who is dead. We, who are left, are
nothing to one another, mere strangers.'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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