About the time when dog-day heats begin, The summer's usual maladies set in; With autumn evenings dysentery came, And dusky typhoid lit his smouldering flame; The blacksmith ailed, the carpenter was down, And half the children sickened in the town. The sexton's face grew shorter than before-- The sexton's wife a brand-new bonnet wore-- Things looked quite serious--Death had got a grip On old and young, in spite of Doctor Rip. And now the Squire was taken with a chill-- Wife gave "hot-drops"--at night an Indian pill; Next morning, feverish--bedtime, getting worse-- Out of his head--began to rave and curse; The Doctor sent for--double quick he came _Ant. Tart. gran. duo_, and repeat the same If no et cetera. Third day--nothing new; Percussed his thorax till 't was black and blue-- Lung-fever threatening--something of the sort-- Out with the lancet--let him bleed--a quart-- Ten leeches next--then blisters to his side; Ten grains of calomel; just then he died. The Deacon next required the Doctor's care-- Took cold by sitting in a draught of air-- Pains in the back, but what the matter is Not quite so clear,--wife calls it "rheumatiz." Rubs back with flannel--gives him something hot-- "Ah!" says the Deacon, "that goes nigh the spot." Next day a rigor--"Run, my little man, And say the Deacon sends for Doctor Van." The Doctor came--percussion as before, Thumping and banging till his ribs were sore-- "Right side the flattest"--then more vigorous raps-- "Fever--that's certain--pleurisy, perhaps. A quart of blood will ease the pain, no doubt, Ten leeches next will help to suck it out, Then clap a blister on the painful part-- But first two grains of _Antimonium Tart_. Last with a dose of cleansing calomel Unload the portal system--(that sounds well!)" But when the selfsame remedies were tried, As all the village knew, the Squire had died; The neighbors hinted. "This will never do; He's killed the Squire--he'll kill the Deacon too." Now when a doctor's patients are perplexed, A consultation comes in order next-- You know what that is? In a certain place Meet certain doctors to discuss a case And other matters, such as weather, crops, Potatoes, pumpkins, lager-beer, and hops. For what's the use?--there 's little to be said, Nine times in ten your man's as good as dead; At best a talk (the secret to disclose) Where three men guess and sometimes one man knows.