Doyle, Arthur Conan, 1859-1930 -- Parodies, imitations, etc.; Fantasy fiction; Holmes, Sherlock (Fictitious character) -- Fiction
“It is a sad age!” sighed Elizabeth.
“Well, all I’ve got to say is just this,” put in Xanthippe: “You people
who get up functions have brought this condition of affairs on
yourselves. You were not satisfied to go ahead and indulge your passion
for lions in a moderate fashion. Take the case of Demosthenes last
winter, for instance. His wife told me that he dined at home three times
during the winter. The rest of the time he was out, here, there, and
everywhere, making after-dinner speeches. The saving on his dinner bills
didn’t pay his pebble account, much less remunerate him for his time, and
the fearful expense of nervous energy to which he was subjected. It was
as much as she could do, she said, to keep him from shaving one side of
his head, so that he couldn’t go out, the way he used to do in Athens
when he was afraid he would be invited out and couldn’t scare up a decent
excuse for refusing.”
“Did he do that?” cried Elizabeth, with a roar of laughter.
“So the cyclopædias say. It’s a good plan, too,” said Xanthippe.
“Though Socrates never had to do it. When I got the notion Socrates was
going out too much, I used to hide his dress clothes. Then there was the
case of Rubens. He gave a Carbon Talk at the Sforza’s Thursday Night
Club, merely to oblige Madame Sforza, and three weeks later discovered
that she had sold his pictures to pay for her gown! You people simply
run it into the ground. You kill the goose that when taken at the flood
leads on to fortune. It advertises you, does the lion no good, and he is
expected to be satisfied with confectionery, material and theoretical.
If they are getting tired of candy and compliments, it’s because you have
forced too much of it upon them.”
“They like it, just the same,” retorted Récamier. “A genius likes
nothing better than the sound of his own voice, when he feels that it is
falling on aristocratic ears. The social laurel rests pleasantly on many
a noble brow.”
“True,” said Xanthippe. “But when a man gets a pile of Christmas wreaths
a mile high on his head, he begins to wonder what they will bring on the
market. An occasional wreath is very nice, but by the ton they are apt
to weigh on his mind. Up to a certain point notoriety is like a woman,
and a man is apt to love it; but when it becomes exacting, demanding
instead of permitting itself to be courted, it loses its charm.”
“That is Socratic in its wisdom,” smiled Portia.
“But Xanthippic in its origin,” returned Xanthippe. “No man ever gave me
my ideas.”
As Xanthippe spoke, Lucretia Borgia burst into the room.
“Hurry and save yourselves!” she cried. “The boat has broken loose from
her moorings, and is floating down the stream. If we don’t hurry up and
do something, we’ll drift out to sea!”
“What!” cried Cleopatra, dropping her cue in terror, and rushing for the
stairs. “I was certain I felt a slight motion. You said it was the wash
from one of Charon’s barges, Elizabeth.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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