The Relentless CityBenson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
General
The Relentless City
Benson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
British -- United States -- Fiction; New York (N.Y.) -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Upper class -- Fiction
'It is fast,' said Sybil, laughing, 'though not so fast as I should
wish. Well, it is this: I am twenty-five years old, and I don't believe
I have the faculty of what is known as falling in love. It always seems
to me I haven't time, to begin with. I was married, as you know, at
eighteen, but I can't imagine I was ever in love with John. Otherwise
that horror couldn't have happened.'
Judy looked up, forgetting the time and the hot water.
'What horror?' she asked.
The light died out of Sybil's face; she looked like a troubled child.
'I have never told anyone,' she said, 'because I was ashamed, but I
will tell you to make you understand me. He was ill, as you know, for
months before he died; every day I used to grow sick at the thought of
having to sit by him, to talk to him. He got more and more emaciated
and awful to look at. One night I did not kiss him as usual. He asked
me to, and I refused; I could not--simply I could not. I loathed the
thought of the days that were coming; I longed for the end, and when
the end came I was glad. I tried to persuade myself that I was glad his
sufferings were over. It was not so; I was glad that mine were over. So
I think I never loved him, though I liked him very much. Then he got
ill and awful, and I was very sorry for him. But that was all. Ah----'
She got up, and walked up and down the room once or twice, as if to
waken herself from the clutch of some horrid dream. Then she stopped
behind Judy's chair, and leaned over her sister, stroking her hair.
'Yes, that was the horror, Judy,' she said; 'and I am that horror. Now,
to-night again Charlie would have asked me to marry him, if I had not;
"smiling put the question by." I like him very much; I think I should
like to have him always in the house. I like everything about him.'
'Don't marry him,' said Judy quickly.
'Judy, when you speak like that, you are saying to yourself, "If only
she was different." Well, I am not; I am as I am. I couldn't make my
eyes blue by wanting, or make myself an inch taller. Well, it must
surely be far more difficult to change one's nature in so radical a
way.'
'I think you did not run very fast when Apollo began Judy.
'That does not suit you, either, dear,' remarked Sybil. 'Well, then, I
am not to marry Charlie. Am I to marry anybody? That is the point. Or
am I to consider that marriage is not for me?'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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