Man-woman relationships -- England -- Fiction; Married people -- England -- Fiction; Psychological fiction
of mind and her lost equipment?
The kind of suspense that these rising questions produced for me
suffered naturally no drop after Mrs. Briss had cut everything short by
rustling voluminously away. She had something to say to me, and yet she
hadn't; she had nothing to say, and yet I felt her to have already
launched herself in a statement. There were other persons I had made
uncomfortable without at all intending it, but she at least had not
suffered from me, and I had no wish that she should; according to which
she had no pressure to fear. My suspense, in spite of this,
remained--indeed all the more sensibly that I had suddenly lost my
discomfort on the subject of redeeming my pledge to her. It had somehow
left me at a stroke, my dread of her calling me, as by our agreement, to
submit in respect to what we had talked of as the identification of the
woman. That call had been what I looked for from her after she had seen
me break with Lady John; my first idea _then_ could only be that I must
come, as it were, to time. It was strange that, the next minute, I
should find myself sure that I was, as I may put it, free; it was at all
events indisputable that as I stood there watching her recede and fairly
studying, in my preoccupation, her handsome affirmative back and the
special sweep of her long dress--it was indisputable that, on some
intimation I could, at the instant, recognise but not seize, my
consciousness was aware of having performed a full revolution. If I was
free, that was what I had been only so short a time before, what I had
been as I drove, in London, to the station. Was this now a foreknowledge
that, on the morrow, in driving away, I should feel myself restored to
that blankness? The state lost was the state of exemption from intense
obsessions, and the state recovered would therefore logically match it.
If the foreknowledge had thus, as by the stir of the air from my
friend's whisk of her train, descended upon me, my liberation was in a
manner what I was already tasting. Yet how I also felt, with it,
something of the threat of a chill to my curiosity! The taste of its
being all over, that really sublime success of the strained vision in
which I had been living for crowded hours--was this a taste that I was
sure I should particularly enjoy? Marked enough it was, doubtless, that
even in the stress of perceiving myself broken with I ruefully reflected
on all the more, on the ever so much, I still wanted to know!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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