The Schoolmistress: A Farce in Three ActsPinero, Arthur Wing
General
The Schoolmistress: A Farce in Three Acts
Pinero, Arthur Wing
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
Ladies, fetch your cloaks and wraps preparatory to breaking up our
pleasant little party. Who volunteers to assist the ladies?
MALLORY.
I, sir!
SAUNDERS.
I, sir!
REGINALD.
I do!
QUECKETT.
I do!
RANKLING.
Mr. Mallory, tell off Mr. Queckett and Mr. Jenkinson to help the ladies.
[_The girls run out, followed by Reginald, Queckett, and Jane._]
RANKLING.
Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!
MALLORY AND SAUNDERS.
Yes, sir.
RANKLING.
Our respective coats. [_They bustle about to get their coats as the door
quietly opens and Jaffray, a fireman, appears._]
JAFFRAY.
Good evening, gentlemen. Can you tell me where I'll find the ladies?
MALLORY.
They're putting on their hats and cloaks.
JAFFRAY.
Thank you, gentlemen, I'm much obliged to you. [_He goes to the window,
pulls up the blind, and throws the window open, the top of a ladder is
seen against the balcony._] Are you coming up, Mr. Goff?
GOFF.
[_Out of sight._] Yes, Mr. Jaffray. [_Goff, a middle-aged,
jolly-looking fireman, enters by the balcony and the window. _]
JAFFRAY.
Gentlemen, Mr. Goff--one of the oldest and most respected members of the
Brigade. Mr. Goff tells some most interesting stories, gentlemen.
RANKLING.
[_Impatiently._] Stories, sir! Call the ladies, Mr. Mallory. [_Mallory
goes out._]
GOFF.
I shouldn't hurry them, sir--ladies like to take their time. Now I
remember an instance in October, '78--
RANKLING.
Confound it, sir, you're not going to relate anecdotes now!
JAFFRAY.
I beg your pardon, sir, Mr. Goff is one of the most experienced and
entertaining members of the Brigade.
RANKLING.
I tell you I don't care about that just now! Where are the ladies?
[_Saunders goes out._]
JAFFRAY.
Excuse me sir, Mr. Goff's reminiscences are well worth hearing while you
wait.
RANKLING.
But I don't wish to wait! [_Mallory and Peggy, Saunders and Gwendoline,
Reginald and Dinah, followed by Jane, enter. The girls are hastily
attired in all sorts of odd apparel and carrying bonnet-boxes, parcels,
and small hand-bags. Ermyntrude carries, amongst other things, a cage
of white mice, Gwendoline a bird in a cage, and Dinah a black cat, and
Peggy a pair of skates and a brush and comb._]
THE GIRLS.
We're ready. Take us away!
JAFFRAY.
I must really ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to take it quietly for a
few minutes.
ALL.
Take it quietly! What for?
JAFFRAY.
The staircase isn't just the thing for ladies and gentlemen at the
present moment. I shall have to ask the ladies and gentlemen to use the
Escape.
ALL.
[_Turning to the window._] The Escape! is it? Where?
JAFFRAY.
It'll be here in two minutes. In the meantime, I think Mr. Goff could
wile away the time very pleasantly with a reminiscence or two. Ladies,
Mr. Goff--
THE GIRLS.
Oh, take us away! Take us away! [_Mallory, Saunders, and Reginald soothe
the ladies, Jaffray goes to the window and looks out._]
GOFF.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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