On the subject of the ear and its defects, talk first of something in which _a cow sticks_, and end by telling the story of the man who, having taken great pains to explain something to his companion, at last got in a rage at his apparent stupidity, and exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, don't you comprehend? The thing is as plain as A, B, C." "I dare say it is," said the other; "but I am D, E, F." It may be as well to give the beginner something of a notion of the use he may make of the most ordinary words, for the purpose of quibbleism. For instance, in the way of observation: The loss of a hat is always _felt_; if you don't like sugar, you may _lump_ it; a glazier is a _panes_-taking man; candles are burnt because _wick-ed_ things always come to _light_; a lady who takes you home from a party is kind in her _carriage_, and you say "Nunc est _ridendum_" when you step into it; if it happen to be a chariot, she is a _charitable_ person; birds'-nests and king-killing are synonymous, because they are _high trees on_; a bill for building a bridge should be sanctioned by the Court of _Arches_ as well as the House of _Piers_; when a man is dull, he goes to the seaside to _Brighton_; a Cockney lover, when sentimental, should live in _Heigh Hoburn_; the greatest fibber is the man most to _re-lie_ upon; a dean expecting a bishopric looks _for lawn_; a _sui_-cide kills pigs, and not himself; a butcher is a gross man, but a fig-seller is a _grocer_; Joshua never had a father or mother, because he was the son of a _Nun_; your grandmother and great-grandmother were your _aunt's sisters_; a leg of mutton is better than heaven, because nothing is better than heaven, and a leg of mutton is better than nothing. Races are matters of _course_; an ass never can be a horse, although he may be a _mayor_; the Venerable Bede was the mother of Pearl; a baker makes bread when he _kneads_ it; a doctor cannot be a doctor all at once, because he comes to it by _degrees_; a man hanged at Newgate has taken a _drop_ too much; the _bridle_ day is that on which a man leads a woman to the _halter_. Never mind the aspirate; in punning all's fair. Puns interrogatory are at times serviceable. You meet a man carrying a hare: ask him if it is his own _hare_, or a wig?--there you stump him. Why is Parliament Street like a compendium? Because it goes to a _bridge_. Why is a man murdering his mother in a garret a worthy person? Because he is above committing a crime. Instances of this kind are innumerable; and if you want to render your question particularly pointed, you are, after asking it once or twice, to say "D'ye give it up?"--then favor your friends with the solution.