sense of something like this, a bit difficult to put, though entirely
expressible with patience, and that as I catch hold of the tip of the
tail of it yet again strikes me as adding to my action but another
admirable twist. Of course I am afraid of twists, I mean of their
multiplying on my hands to the effect of too much lengthening and
enlarging and sprawling; but the bit that I speak of now is surely of
the very essence of the situation. It connects itself with something so
interesting and effective, so strong and fine, to express--from the
moment one successfully tackles it. "This" then, what I mentioned above,
is that Ralph has "taken over" from the other party to his extraordinary
arrangement certain indications that have been needed for starting the
thing, and which I think of him as having, under the operation of the
whole prodigy, very considerably, very enormously, assimilated.
Enormous, however, as the assimilation may be, it is not absolutely
perfect, and don't I exactly get out of this wavering margin, this
occurrence of spots and moments, so to speak, where it falls short, just
one of those effects of underlying distress, of sense of danger, as I
comprehensively call it, which are of the very finest essence of one's
general intention? He knows his way so much and so far, knows it
wonderfully, finds his identity, the one he wears for the occasion,
extraordinarily easy considering the miracle of it all; but the very
beauty of the subject is in the fact of his at the same time watching
himself, watching his success, criticising his failure, being both the
other man and not the other man, being just sufficiently the other, his
prior, his own, self, not to be able to help living in that a bit too.
Isn't it a part of what I call the beauty that this concomitant, this
watchful and critical, living in his "own" self inevitably grows and
grows from a certain moment on?--and isn't it for instance quite
magnificent that one sees this growth of it as inevitably promoted more
and more by his sense of what I have noted as the malaise on the part of
the others? Don't I see his divination and perception of that so affect
and act upon him that little by little he begins to live more, to live
most, and most uneasily, in what I refer to as his own, his prior self,
and less, uneasily less, in his borrowed, his adventurous, that of his
tremendous speculation, so to speak--rather than the other way round as
has been the case at first. When his own, his original, conquers so much
of the ground of that, then it is that what I have called his anguish
gets fuller possession of it--it being so one thing to "live in the
Past" _with_ the whole spirit, the whole candour of confidence and
confidence of candour, that he would then have naturally had--and a
totally different thing to find himself living in it without those helps
to possibility, those determinations of relation, those preponderant
right instincts and, say, saving divinations. Don't I put it at first
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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