had also an indefinite feeling that I was near him once again. But
gradually my liking for his sister grew, and I was glad that her parents
gave me renewed invitations to the house, especially for the Sundays. To
be with this girl, to play with her, were to me an enduring source of
delight; and I remember that at this time I even developed a taste for
girlish amusements, which had hitherto been very disagreeable to me, and
for which later also my antipathy returned. Simultaneously with this
fondness for the girl, when I myself was about twelve years old I was
attracted by one of the schoolmasters, a man who ruled his classes very
strictly. My sentiments for this master were of exactly the same
character as those with which my tutor had formerly inspired me, but the
conditions of our intercourse were different, for I could see him only
in school, and on very rare occasions out of school hours, whereas in
the case of my tutor, who lived with us when I was at home, I could be
with him as much as I desired. This fondness for my schoolmaster
persisted simultaneously with the passion for the girl. When her brother
came home for the holidays, I saw him for a few days only, for I also
returned home for the holidays. Although I was by no means indifferent
to him, my former passionate affection for him had entirely disappeared.
My passion for his sister and for the schoolmaster lasted for a long
time. I also fell in love with a somewhat elderly female cousin who
chanced to visit our house. Growing older, I at length attained the age
of puberty, and experienced definite erections; these occurred
especially when I thought of my friend's sister; or when she touched me,
as occasionally happened, without, I believe, any sexual feeling on her
part. At this time also when erections had already begun, I still felt
definitely attracted by my schoolmaster, and under the influence of this
attraction erections occasionally occurred. Somewhat later came the time
when I began to masturbate. I can no longer remember with certainty
whether I was seduced to this practice by any of my school-fellows. We
sometimes talked to one another about the matter. I continued at times
to be influenced by the inclinations previously mentioned, viz., that
for my schoolmaster, and that for my friend's sister. I experienced also
transient passion for one of my school-fellows, who was remarkable for
his pleasing and delicately girlish exterior. It was not until several
years had elapsed, and the occurrence of seminal emissions had shown
that I had attained some degree of sexual maturity, that all inclination
towards the male sex disappeared, and the inclination towards the female
sex persisted in isolation. When I left the town, in order to attend a
different school, my fondness for my friend's sister passed away. I was
then sixteen years of age; from this time onwards my sexual passion was
exhibited exclusively towards members of the female sex."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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