When the dawn slowly stole into the garden, so that the ghosts of day
began to take shape and color, Gavan rose among them. The earth was damp
with dew; his hair and clothes were damp. Overhead the sky was white,
and the hills upon it showed a flat, shadowless green. Between the
night’s enchantments of stillness, starriness, veiled, dreaming beauty
and the sunlit, voluble enchantments of the day,--songs and flights of
birds, ripple and shine of water, the fugitive, changing color of land
and sky,--this hour was poor, bare, monotonous. There wasn’t a ray of
enchantment in it. It was like bleak canvas scenery waiting for the
footlights and a decorated stage.
Gavan looked before him, down the garden path, shivering a little. He
was cold, and the sensation brought him back to the old fact of life,
that, after all, was there as long as one saw it. The coming of the
light seemed to retwist once more his own palely tinted prism of
personality, and with the cold, with the conscious looking back at the
night and forward to the day, came a long, dull ache of sadness. It was
more physical than mental; hunger and chill played their part in it, he
knew, while, as the prism twined its colors, the fatiguing faculty of
analysis once more built up the world of change and diversity. He looked
up at the pale walls of the old house, laced with their pattern of
creepers. The pine-tree lay like an inky shadow across it, and, among
the branches, were the windows of Eppie’s room, the window where he and
she had stood together on the morning of Robbie’s death--a white,
dew-drenched morning like this. There she slept, dear, beautiful, the
shadow of life. And here he stood, still living, after all, in their
mutual mirage; still to hurt her. He didn’t think of her face, her
voice, her aspect. The only image that came was of a shadow--something
darkly beautiful that entranced and suffocated, something that,
enveloping one, shut out peace and vacancy.
His cold hands thrust into his pockets, he stood thinking for a moment,
of how he would have to hurt her, and of how much less it was to be than
if what they had seen in the night’s glamour had been possible.
He wondered why the mere fact of the night’s revelation--all those
passing-bell hours--had made it so impossible for him to go on, by sheer
force of will, with the play. Why couldn’t he, for her sake, act the
lifelong part? In her arms he would know again the moments of glamour.
But, at the mere question, a sickness shuddered through him. He saw now,
clearly, what stood in the way: suffering, hideous suffering, for both
of them--permanent, all-pervading suffering. The night had proved too
irrevocably that any union between them was only momentary, only a
seeming, and with her, feeling her faith, her hope, her love, he could
know nothing but the undurable discord of their united and warring
notes.
Could life and death be made one flesh?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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