Gavan did not address himself to an ascetic remodeling of his life. He
pursued the path traced out before him. He yielded placidly to the calls
of life, willing to work, to accomplish, willing even to indulge his
passions, since there could lurk for him no trap among the shows of
life. His taste soon drew back, disdainful and delicate, from his
experience of youthful dissipation; his ironic indifference made him
deaf to the lures of ambition; but he was an accurate and steady worker
and a tolerably interested observer of existence.
As he had ceased to have value for himself, so others had no value in
his eyes. Social effort and self-realization were, as ideals, equally
meaningless to him; and though pity was always with him, it was a pity
gentle and meditative, hopeless of alleviation: for suffering was life,
and to cure one, one must abolish the other. Material remedies seemed to
him worse than useless; they merely renewed the craving forces. The
Imitation of Christ was a fitter panacea than organized charities and
progressive legislation.
Physical pain in the helpless, the dumbly conscious, in children or
animals, hurt him and made him know that he, too, lived; and he would
spend himself to give relief to any suffering thing. He sought no
further in metaphysical systems; he desired no further insight. Now and
then, finding their pensive pastures pleasant, he would read some Hindoo
or medieval mystic; but ecstasies were as alien to him as materialism:
both were curious forms of self-deception--one the inflation of the
illusory self into the loss of any sense of relation, and the other the
self’s painful concentration into imbecilely selfish aims. The people
most pleasing to him were the people who, without self-doubt and without
self-consciousness, performed some inherited function in the state; the
simply great in life; or those who, by natural gift, the fortunately
finished, the inevitably distinguished, followed some beautifully
complex calling. The mediocre and the pretentious were unpleasing
phenomena, and the ideals of democracy mere barbarous nonsense.
His own pursuits were those of a fashionable and ambitious man, and, to
the casual observer, the utter absence of any of the pose of
disillusionized youth made all the more apparent what seemed to be a man
of the world cynicism. Those who knew him better found him charming and
perplexing. He seemed to have no barriers, yet one could not come near
him. His center receded before pursuit. And he was much pursued. He
aroused conjecture, interest, attachment. His exquisite head, the chill
sweetness of his manner, the strange, piercing charm of his smile, drew
eyes and hearts to him. Idly amused, he saw himself, all inert, boosted
from step to step, saw friends swarm about him and hardly an enemy’s
face.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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