There were all sorts of things before them now. What they were he really
didn’t know; perhaps she didn’t, either. At all events he kept his eyes
off them, and shaking his crossed foot a little, he still looked at her,
smiling.
“Why?” she asked.
He felt that he must now answer her, and himself, in words that wouldn’t
imply more than he could face.
“Well, the very force of your craving for life, the very force of your
will, might sweep me along for a bit. I might be caught up for a whirl
on the wheel of illusion; not that you could ever bind me to it: it
would need my own will, blind again, for that.”
Her eyes had met his so steadily that he had imagined only contemplation
or perhaps that maternal severity behind the steadiness. But the way in
which they received these last tossed pebbles of metaphor showed him
unrealized profundities. They deepened, they darkened, they widened on
him. They seemed to engulf him in a sudden abyss of pain. And pain in
her was indeed a color that could infect him.
“How horrible you are, Gavan,” she said, and her voice went with the
words and with the look.
“Eppie!” he exclaimed on a tense, indrawn breath, as if over the sudden
stab of a knife. “Have I hurt you?”
Her eyes turned from him. “Not what you say, or do. What you are.”
“You didn’t see, before, what I am?”
“Never--like this.”
He leaned toward her. “Dear Eppie, why do you make me talk? Let me be
still. I only ask to be still.”
“You are worse still. Don’t you think I see what stillness means?”
She had pushed her low seat from him,--for he stretched his hands to her
with his supplication,--and, rising to her feet, stepping back, she
stood before the fire, somberly looking down at him.
Gavan, too, rose. Compunction, supplication, a twist of perplexity and
suffering, made him careless of discretion. Face to face, laying his
hands on her shoulders, he said: “Don’t let me frighten you. It would be
horrible if I could convince you, shatter you.”
Standing erect under his hands, she looked hard into his face.
“You could frighten me, horribly; but you couldn’t shatter me. You are
ambiguous, veiled, all in mists. I am as clear, as sharp--.”
Her dauntlessness, the old defiance, were a relief--a really delicious
relief. He was able to smile at her, a smile that pled for reassurance.
“How can I frighten you, then?”
Her somber gaze did not soften. “Your mists come round me, chill,
suffocating. They corrode my clearness.”
“No; no; it’s you who come into them. Don’t. Don’t. Keep away from me.”
“I’m not so afraid of you as that,” she answered.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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