The Shriek: A Satirical BurlesqueSomerville, Charles
General
The Shriek: A Satirical Burlesque
Somerville, Charles
Hull, E. M. (Edith Maude). Sheik -- Parodies, imitations, etc.; Satire
"O, you Hergesheimer!" smiled she, leaping to the ground, lighting a
cigarette in her descent.
"Now look here, Tawdry, what's the idea of your trailing me this way?
My mind's made up. You'll have simply missed a whole day at bridge and
you know you can't afford it. I'm going to put in a month--a full
month on the Sahara. I've the sand so why shouldn't I?"
Verbeena drew herself up and shot a cigarette snag squarely into a
lizard's eye. Pardon--I forgot to mention the lizard was twisting in
the brilliant sunshine on a nearby opalescent rock.
"Kid," said Lord Tawdry, not unkindly, "cut the proud boyish beauty
stuff for half a shake, if you please. One must get down to brass
tacks once in a while and just now the situation is such that I feel
as if I were sitting on the points of a million."
"Talk reasonably," said Miss Mayonnaise almost effeminately, "and I
will do what little I can to understand you."
"Well then, why this sudden interruption in our plans? The idea was
that I was to chuck myself to America and go to Newport or some other
nearby spot like Los Angeles and pluck for myself a wife somewhere
between twenty to forty in age and forty to sixty in millions of
American--er--buckoes--I think the bounders call 'em."
"And I," nodded Verbeena, "was to go along and subtly instruct the
victim that it wasn't necessary in good society to perform so many
fancy tricks as Americans do with their forks and that in acquiring an
English accent one didn't say fawncy for fancy. And I was to tell her
how sensitive you were about money--about ever being left without
any."
"Bright chap, you are, Verbeena! It was a jolly plan. But when
Butternut and his five thousand pun' a year came along I was willing
to sacrifice myself, was I not?
"I was willing," said Lord Tawdry, "to postpone America and stick to
bridge until you'd a chance to snap the bally, wedding manacles on the
pretty youth. And everything seemed moving perfectly until late last
night. His eyes were then shining like a pair of motor car lamps with
love for you.
"I saw him beg you to go out upon the balcony.
"And next a scream!
"Butternut is carried in on a stretcher and you stroll back looking
like an incense burner.
"I seek to see Butternut. I cannot. I seek explanation from you----"
"If only you hadn't begun with that usual stuff of clubbing my curls,
Tawdry!--I just made up my mind to let you remain in suspense a while.
But now I'll tell all!
"I tried to play fair, Tawdry, tried to play fair," said Verbeena
earnestly, "like the square little fellow I am."
"Did Butternut ask you to marry him out there on the balcony last
night?"
"He did."
"Well then?"
"Tawdry, old chap, I overplayed my hand. I threw myself into his arms
cooing 'Bertie, dearest Bertie' in as ladylike a manner as my bringing
up allows. And then he hugged me. And to show him I really loved him,
don't you know, I hugged him back. I just let myself go, old dear!"
"To be sure--quite right--under the circumstances."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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