Transcribed from the 1883 James R. Osgood and Company edition by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk THE SLEEPING CAR--A FARCE by William D. Howells I. SCENE: One side of a sleeping-car on the Boston and Albany Road. The curtains are drawn before most of the berths; from the hooks and rods hang hats, bonnets, bags, bandboxes, umbrellas, and other travelling gear; on the floor are boots of both sexes, set out for THE PORTER to black. THE PORTER is making up the beds in the upper and lower berths adjoining the seats on which a young mother, slender and pretty, with a baby asleep on the seat beside her, and a stout old lady, sit confronting each other--MRS. AGNES ROBERTS and her aunt MARY. MRS. ROBERTS. Do you always take down your back hair, aunty? AUNT MARY. No, never, child; at least not since I had such a fright about it once, coming on from New York. It's all well enough to take down your back hair if it _is_ yours; but if it isn't, your head's the best place for it. Now, as I buy mine of Madame Pierrot-- MRS. ROBERTS. Don't you _wish_ she wouldn't advertise it as _human_ hair? It sounds so pokerish--like human flesh, you know. AUNT MARY. Why, she couldn't call it _in_human hair, my dear. MRS. ROBERTS (thoughtfully). No--just _hair_. AUNT MARY. Then people might think it was for mattresses. But, as I was saying, I took it off that night, and tucked it safely away, as I supposed, in my pocket, and I slept sweetly till about midnight, when I happened to open my eyes, and saw something long and black crawl off my bed and slip under the berth. _Such_ a shriek as I gave, my dear! "A snake! a snake! oh, a snake!" And everybody began talking at once, and some of the gentlemen swearing, and the porter came running with the poker to kill it; and all the while it was that ridiculous switch of mine, that had worked out of my pocket. And glad enough I was to grab it up before anybody saw it, and say I must have been dreaming. MRS. ROBERTS. Why, aunty, how funny! How _could_ you suppose a serpent could get on board a sleeping-car, of all places in the world! AUNT MARY. That was the perfect absurdity of it. THE PORTER. Berths ready now, ladies. MRS. ROBERTS (to THE PORTER, who walks away to the end of the car, and sits down near the door). Oh, thank you. Aunty, do you feel nervous the least bit? AUNT MARY. Nervous? No. Why?