Crosbie, as soon as he was alone in his chamber, sat himself down in
his arm-chair, and went to work striving to make up his mind as to
his future conduct. It must not be supposed that the declaration just
made by him had been produced solely by his difficulty at the moment.
The atmosphere of Courcy Castle had been at work upon him for the
last week past. And every word that he had heard, and every word
that he had spoken, had tended to destroy all that was good and true
within him, and to foster all that was selfish and false. He had said
to himself a dozen times during that week that he never could be
happy with Lily Dale, and that he never could make her happy. And
then he had used the old sophistry in his endeavour to teach himself
that it was right to do that which he wished to do. Would it not be
better for Lily that he should desert her, than marry her against
the dictates of his own heart? And if he really did not love her,
would he not be committing a greater crime in marrying her than in
deserting her? He confessed to himself that he had been very wrong in
allowing the outer world to get such a hold upon him that the love of
a pure girl like Lily could not suffice for his happiness. But there
was the fact, and he found himself unable to contend against it. If
by any absolute self-sacrifice he could secure Lily's well-being, he
would not hesitate for a moment. But would it be well to sacrifice
her as well as himself?
He had discussed the matter in this way within his own breast, till
he had almost taught himself to believe that it was his duty to break
off his engagement with Lily; and he had also almost taught himself
to believe that a marriage with a daughter of the house of Courcy
would satisfy his ambition and assist him in his battle with the
world. That Lady Alexandrina would accept him he felt certain, if he
could only induce her to forgive him for his sin in becoming engaged
to Miss Dale. How very prone she would be to forgiveness in this
matter, he had not divined, having not as yet learned how easily such
a woman can forgive such a sin, if the ultimate triumph be accorded
to herself.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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