Of course I must suffer,--suffer damnably.
But she shall never know it. Dear, sweet, innocent, pretty little
thing!" And then he went on about the squire, as to whom he felt
himself entitled to be indignant by his own disinterested and manly
line of conduct towards the niece. "But I will let him know what I
think about it," he said. "It's all very well for Dale to say that I
have been treated fairly. It isn't fair for a man to put forward his
niece under false pretences. Of course I thought that he intended to
provide for her." And then, having made up his mind in a very manly
way that he would not desert Lily altogether after having promised
to marry her, he endeavoured to find consolation in the reflection
that he might, at any rate, allow himself two years' more run as a
bachelor in London. Girls who have to get themselves married without
fortunes always know that they will have to wait. Indeed, Lily had
already told him, that as far as she was concerned, she was in
no hurry. He need not, therefore, at once withdraw his name from
Sebright's. Thus he endeavoured to console himself, still, however,
resolving that he would have a little serious conversation with the
squire that very evening as to Lily's fortune.
And what was the state of Lily's mind at the same moment, while she,
also, was performing some slight toilet changes preparatory to their
simple dinner at the Small House?
"I didn't behave well to him," she said to herself; "I never do.
I forget how much he is giving up for me; and then, when anything
annoys him, I make it worse instead of comforting him." And upon that
she made accusation against herself that she did not love him half
enough,--that she did not let him see how thoroughly and perfectly
she loved him. She had an idea of her own, that as a girl should
never show any preference for a man till circumstances should have
fully entitled him to such manifestation, so also should she make no
drawback on her love, but pour it forth for his benefit with all her
strength, when such circumstances had come to exist. But she was ever
feeling that she was not acting up to her theory, now that the time
for such practice had come. She would unwittingly assume little
reserves, and make small pretences of indifference in spite of her
own judgment. She had done so on this afternoon, and had left him
without giving him her hand to press, without looking up into his
face with an assurance of love, and therefore she was angry with
herself. "I know I shall teach him to hate me," she said out loud to
Bell.
"That would be very sad," said Bell; "but I don't see it."
"If you were engaged to a man you would be much better to him. You
would not say so much, but what you did say would be all affection.
I am always making horrid little speeches, for which I should like
to cut out my tongue afterwards."
"Whatever sort of speeches they are, I think that he likes them."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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