lightly men of the world look upon such matters. What would have
horrified Mrs. Kingsward would probably call forth nothing but a
pooh-pooh from her husband. Aubrey, as it proved, was mistaken there,
for Colonel Kingsward had ideas of his own, not always corresponding to
those of the ordinary man of the world; but no doubt had he heard the
story from that side and not from the other, he would have regarded it
in a very different light.
But it was too late--too late for these reflections now. The fiat had
gone forth, the sentence had been pronounced beyond appeal. Oh, Bee,
Bee, she was too good for him; too fresh, too bright, unsullied by the
world, for a man who had gone through so much already although he was
still young enough. He who had loved and married--though, oh, how
differently!--poor little Amy, who was nobody, whom he had liked for her
yielding sweetness, sweetness which had cost him so dear--he who had
been a father, who had lost his way in life amid the fogs of death and
grief--how had he now dared to think that such a girl as Bee should
dedicate her fresh young life to restore him again to the lost
possibilities of his? It seemed to him the greatest presumption, the
most dreadful, cynical, almost blasphemous attempt. It was the way of
the world--to think that any woman, however good, might be sacrificed to
the necessities of a man’s restoration whatever he had done; everybody
thought so, his own mother even. But he, Aubrey, should have known
better--he should have known that even at his best he could never have
been good enough for Bee, and to think that he had dared now when he was
no longer at his best! What a fool, what a fool he had been! He had come
to be able to endure the daylight and “get on” well enough when he had
arrived at the Bath and seen her first. Why had he not contented himself
with that, knowing that he had no right to expect more? And now there
was nothing--nothing before him but a plunge into the unutterable
darkness--darker than ever, without any hope--worse almost, if worse
were possible, than when he had fled from his home.
He did not know how long he had been roaming about the dark town
pondering all these dreadful thoughts. When he went back to the hotel,
which he finally did, worn out, not knowing where else to go, one
reproachful waiter, with eyes that said he ought to have been in bed
long ago, was waiting for him with a curt demand what he would have to
eat, and all the house, except that deserted eating-room, where one
light twinkled--reproachful, like the waiter--was shut up. He went to
his room when he had swallowed some brandy, which was the only thing he
could find to put a little warmth into his chilled limbs and despairing
heart, and threw himself miserable upon his bed, where I have no doubt
he slept, though he was not aware of it--as Bee did, though she had no
intention of doing so.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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