“My friend is absent with her son till after Easter, and I am understood
to be fond of town, and am coming to spend a week or two to see the
first of the season, the pictures, &c., as well as a few friends whom I
still keep up, the relics of brighter and younger days--this is the
reason I give, but you will easily understand, dear Colonel Kingsward,
that there is another reason far more near to my heart. Your poor boy!
Or may I for once say our poor boy? For you are aware that I have never
ceased to upbraid myself for what has happened, and that I shall always
bear a mother’s heart to Charlie, dear fellow, to whom, in wishing him
nothing but good, I have been so unfortunate as to do such dreadful
wrong. Every word you say about your hopes for him, and the great chance
which he is so likely to miss, cuts me to the heart. And it has occurred
to me that there are some places in which he may have been heard of, to
which I could myself go, or where I might take you if you wished, which
you would not yourself be likely to know. I wish I had thought of them
before. I come up now full of hope that we may hear something and find a
reliable clue. I shall be in George Street, Hanover Square, a place
which is luckily in the way for everything. Please come and see me. I
hope you will not think I am presuming in endeavouring to solve a
difficulty for which I am, alas, alas! partially to blame. To assure me
of this at least if no more, come, do come to see me to-morrow, Tuesday
afternoon. I shall do nothing till I have your approval.”
This letter had an exciting effect upon the Colonel, more than anything
he had known for years. He held it before him, yielding himself up to
this pleasurable sensation for some minutes after he had read it. The
Easter recess had left London empty, and he had been deprived of some of
the ordinary social solaces which, though they increased the difficulty
of keeping his son’s disappearance a secret, still broke the blank of
his suspense and made existence possible. Hard to bear was the point
blank shock which he had sometimes received, as when an indiscreet but
influential friend suddenly burst upon him, “I don’t see your son’s name
in the Oxford lists, Kingsward.” “No,” the Colonel had replied, with a
countenance from which all expression had been dismissed, “we thought it
better that he should keep to his special studies.” “Quite right, quite
right,” answered that great official, for what is a mere degree to F.
O.? Even to have such things as this said to him, with the chance of
putting in a response, was better than the stagnation, in which a man is
so apt to feel that all kinds of whispers are circulating in respect to
the one matter which it is his interest to conceal.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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