I FOUND him wet with tears, 'Tis woe! to see a strong man thus, "O Reginald Fitz Alpine Smyke, Why, wherefore, whence, this fuss? O is she dead, thy wife? for that, Alone can justify, A bearded man to sob, and spring The sentimental eye." He raised his agonised brows, With tears, all steaming hot, "Ah woe!" cried he, "you think my wife Is gone, alas! she's not, This anniversary seven years, My mother-in-law pegged out, I never pass the day, without A lamentating shout, Her wealth is settled on my wife, And thus for some I bid, With wails of woe, I take on so,-- For every filial tear-in-law, She stands a shining quid!" I left him weeping up the stairs, I met his wife below, "I'll call," said I "another day, Your husband takes on so," "And so he may take on," she said, "His crocodiles may fall, 'Twill drain some water from his brain, And do him good, that's all, To-day in the domestic stocks, He'll find a sudden fall!" Alas! for poor Fitz Alpine Smyke, His confidence was meant For me alone, but she was there, In slippers, on the scent! Then came an action for divorce, With all its quips, and cranks, And _nisi_ was the laws _decree_ That dropped him to the ranks, And then he sought for many cribs, The cribs he did not suit, But he could well dissimulate, So he became a mute, His wife took the hymeneal bond Again, and then she died, And hired mutes with sorry mien, Were by her coffin's side. But when the funeral was o'er, The widower he went And greeted one of those--the mutes-- With feeling compliment, He lightly pinched him by the crape "O Mister Mute, I say, I wish I could have wept the tears, That you have dropped to-day!" "Ah! me alack!" the mute exclaimed, "My sorrow was sincere, And were I not the ass I am, We wouldn't both be here; For I am he, Fitz Alpine Smyke, Thro' tears, I let her slip, And now by tears, I eke it out In salary and tip." [Illustration] [Illustration: HE FOLLOWED THE FOX.] I FOLLOWED the fox, tally ho! I followed the fox, with a go, by Joe! As swift as a swallow, or crow, Wo ho! The ditch, is a cropper, hello! I am in it! and out, and a show! Am asked to the next, won't go! [Illustration: THE HONEST YOUNG CASHIER]